Another Day in the Life......

Well, I see it has been almost a month since my first blog. Where does the time go? I can't believe it has been that long. Anyways, here it is the beginning of March. So, what's new? I
am continually amazed at the pace with which I have integrated into society. So amazed, in fact, that my mind has developed a couple of short circuits!
I don't really know how to explain it. Maybe it is familiarity rearing its ugly head, I don't know. You know what they say about familiarity, don't you? It breeds contempt. I don't want to become sofamiliar with my life that I become complacent. And that is exactly what I see happening. It scares me, actually. Because not only do I become complacent in my daily life, but also in my recovery. The fact is I've been thinking I may even be cured!!!! PULEEAASE!!! CURED?!?!? Man, I have so many new problems now that I am clean, sober and free, that I don't even know how to begin fixing them
Look, I haven't been sleeping, becauseI am so worried about money, or friends, or whatever.Even right now, it is 1:45 AM and I have to be in work at 6:30. Sleep? I wish!

Life doesn't get easier with added responsibility. It gets harder. hmmmm....... In prison I always pictured the real world as this utopia of freedom and responsibility and 9 - 5 job and ...... I couldn't picture the crap of life which makes it so difficult. Like, why didn't anyone ever tell me about how difficult it is to live within a small budget? Or, why didn't they explain to methat though my intentions were, and are, good, intentions will only open the door to opportunity. they won't teach me HOW to live in society. I live by the art of trial and error. Sometimes I make a faux paux, but then, I expect to. This life is still new to me. Wierd, seeing these words. It makes me feel like an explorer in a strange new land!

For example, my social skills are limited. I never learned how to be a social animal. In my addiction, I was extremely anti-social. Still, I find it so difficult to engage in conversation, even though I am very interested in meeting and getting to know people. It is a strange mic of emotions I feel in social situations. Trepidation, fear, longing to belong, hope..... all come into play. Anger, frustration, hopelessness.... these too come into play. I fight the self-doubt every waking hour.

My biggest fear is of being alone for the rest of my life. Because I get toungue tied around women! I love talking to them, and yet, get so school-boyish when the chance arises, I fear I come off as an idiot. For example, there is this one particular woman.... she is in my home group, actually. Smart, funny, real, beautiful.... I would like nothing more than the opportunity to get to know her better. But when I am in her presence, I clam up like a school boy!

Well, that's my problem i guess. I doubt anyone ever reads this anyways. But I will keep writing if for no other reason than it is therapeutic. Till next time!!!

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