I must preface this particular blog by stating that what I am about to share goes against every fiber of my being. I've hinted at it in meetings, but this will be the first time I actually reveal the entire thing in public. Oh, don't worry..it's nothing sordid or horrifying, except to me of course......
Hmmmm....where to start? Well, I guess the beginning sounds like a winner, huh? As you may or may not know from reading this, due to the insanity which is my addiction, I spent many years as a guest of the great state of Michigan. In fact out of the past twenty years, I have done about nineteen in prison. My first term was for breaking into a house and auto theft; then an escape added more time, so I did seven years. I got out in 1992 with great intentions! I was going to make it!! Nothing had changed, except the calendar, but I was going to make it. Yeah, right. Within 90 days I was using again and stealing to support my habit. Eleven months after I got out, I was facing a life sentence for breaking into another house and for being an habitual criminal. What I got was 10-22 1/2 year sentence. So--back to prison I went, a hateful, bitter, angry, very, very messed up broken man. I went to maximum security because of a botched escape attempt in the county jail. In 1995, I was in a maximum security prison when I had an altercation with a guard. I slugged him a couple times (BAD, BAD move!!!), and was taken to solitary confinement. After I recieved a new sentence for this, I was moved to a super- maximum prison, in segregation (Solitary), where I spent the next six years. This happened in 1995.
For the first couple of years in solitary, I did absolutely nothing constructive. I read and slept. I didn't do anything. It wasn't until 1998 that I started, slowly, to look at my life. I denied at first that I was the person I was seeing. Why this happened?? I don't know except to say that my higher power allowed me a glimpse at the real Randy, and this glimpse was horrifying. There was no way in hell I was this animal!!! No fuckin' way! I denied it for some time. But I could not escape the reality of who and what I had become any longer.
Finally, I made the decision to take an honest and complete look at myself. What I saw was a bitter, hate filled, immoral animal with no conscience and few redeeming qualities. I can't properly put into words the horror I felt at this realization. I determined to change. So you see that there must have been a higher power at work. He wasn't done. First I had to look at my values and morals. To this point, I had no morals; nor did I value anything or anyone. I was a human animal, fit only to be caged as I was. How to change?? My first decision was to stop lying. I was a dishonest person, and this dishonesty affected every part of my life. I was dishonest to everyone, including myself. So, my first order of business was to be honest as I could be.
So, I started an inventory of my life. I didn't call it that, but that's what it was. I laid bare every facet of my life and every action. It was a long trying and very painful journey through the hell of my existence. Where I could make changes I endeavored to do so. Not without setbacks, and certainly not perfectly. But the man I am today is so completely different from that person in 1998 who first took the steps to sanity.
Ok, that is a sketch of background. I wound up staying in solitary from May of 1995 to June of 2001. Four years after that, I was released from prison. The transition from solitary to population was not that traumatic. It wasn't till I got out that I realized there is a major scar that I have thanks to so much time locked away......
I am scared SHITLESS of crowds! I am scared of rejection in social settings. Have you ever read, "The Scarlett Letter"? When I am in social settings I feel, rightly or not, that I have a humongous C on my forehead ( for CONVICT). Not only that, but I feel awkward with people, especially women. Hell, I get tongue-tied around women. I get squirrelly in the wierdest places. In meetings, if I sit at the corner of a table, I'm ok, but put me in the middle, and my anxiety goes skyrocketing. In church, if I am on the isle, I'm fine, even in a packed church. But to sit in the middle of a pew is to put the nice grey-haired lady in front of me at risk of being hurled on.
I'm making progress, thankfully. It's a little slow for my taste but it is progress. I've yet to actually be on a date or be intimate with a woman (GOD, I can't believe I'm admitting this!!), because other than basic social conversation, I ....... oh shit. I would give my left ### to be able to approach a woman and ask her for a date, or whatever. Yes, I am heteral-sexual, and yes I love women. (And yes, I know what they say, about the first year, dear Lizzie.) But Damnit I get so lonely. Intimacy--not just sex-- but true intimacy is something I fear I will never have. And THAT is my greatest fear. Yeah, I could go out and have sex with someone. But, no. I determined that I will learn to be intimate and I will learn to be social and I will learn to talk in person. This writing is easier for me. Maybe because I can't see you? I don't know. All I know is that I long to kill that monster. I put myself into situations where socializing is necessary...then run like hell! At the Christmas party and dance, I made it till the dance was about to start, then left. I was so.... I felt claustrophopic, even in that big crowd. Valentine's I skipped altogether because I was too much of a coward to ask anyone to go.
Tomorrow our group is having a prom. I have to work. At least for part of it. But you know what? I will be there at least for part of it. I'm going, maybe not in a tux, or even a suit (I really don't own one yet) but I will go as soon as I get out of work. And if I stand in the corner now you know why. I'm not being an asshole, or stuckup, or anything like that. I am just scared. But I'm going. Because I believe that this is a debilitating effect of my disease and I will not allow my disease to control me. If I make a fool of myself, so be it. Oh my God what am I getting myself into?!?!
Well, there you have it-- my confession. They say confession is cathartic. I don't feel too cathartic right now. What I feel is that I MUST be nuts to share these things, knowing people I have come to know will read them. But, I made a commitment to myself when I started this blog: I will open my life and share this journey and I will do it HONESTLY.
That's all folks. Till next time.........
Too often, the value of a moment is not seen till it is past......Enjoy your moments; cherish them; relish them!
P.S.: Lizzie, you'll do GREAT tomorrow!! Just be you; everything else will work out fine.
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3 comments:
Wow....thanks for being so open and honest about your life, Randy; that took alot of courage. I respect you alot for sharing such personal details...THAT my friend is the beginning of the journey toward intimacy!! P.S., I'LL be at the prom tomorrow alone, too, you know...I won't say no if you ask me to dance! There! A sure thing. :) (of course, I still can't figure out who you are, but that's okay, I'm sure you'll come say hi to me)
Randy, like Michelle, I THANK YOU for your honesty. They don't say "the truth shall set you free" for nothin' ya know!
You have grown SO MUCH already, since I first met you. What a priveledge to be able to bare witness to your journey. You are a gift.
I am so glad that you have decided to come tomorrow night! (Even thought I won't be speaking!...long story, I'll explain later....it's not just because I'm a wuss...)
Our events are NEVER about having a date or not, they are about never having to feel alone. We are great ones for feeling alone, even in the company of others.
Oh, and by the way, I too am social phobic. I couldn't be around crowds for a long time. I would have anxiety attacks. I even had one in the convention center at the NA world convention in San Diego in the summer of 2003.
Today, I am at peace with crowds. One of the many perks of finding recovery and slowly being re-integrated into society. It will come to you as well, over time. Progress, not perfection.
Again, I thank you for your honesty and I must commend you once again on your writing proficiency and artistry! I look forward to your blog entries!
~Lizzie
Oh this is such a good post. You are just as profound and insightful as I thought you were when I first met you Randy. Good words, and such for throwing your story out here on the I-Bahn. But the rigorous honesty will never do you wrong in the long run my friend. I would have loved to have been able to be up there for the dance and to see all my friends, but I too, had work. (Only 185 miles away!)
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