freedom rants

Incredible Video

2008-07-09T09:00:00.002-05:00

Random Thoughts

2008-01-06T14:08:00.000-05:00

Here I am on a dreary Sunday afternoon thinking of tommorrows. You know, as I reflect upon the past few months, one thing continues to resonate: I have squandered the better part of the last year. I can't even begin to describe the hopelessness, the pain of my existence lately. This misery has caused me to turn to contemplations of God, eternity...and my place in this world. A lot of this has to do with my trouble with reconciling myself to the 2nd Step of NA: Turning my will over to the care of God as I understand Him.
Frankly, until now, I have not done this. In truth I've lived quite a selfish existence. Call it pride, conceit...whatever label you want to place on it, the fact remains that I have not turned my will and life over to the care of God. And where has this negligence gotten me? Sucking the fumes of a life of worthless pursuits. I am sick and tired of living like this. And it is time for a change. It is for this reason that I have dedicated myself to God. It is the only way that I can begin to live. For I am tired of aimlessly wandering through life.
Maybe you are thinking this is a drastic undertaking. Perhaps you wonder if I'm sincere or just blowing smoke. We each must look at the person staring back at us in the mirror. Who am I? What is my purpose? these are questions I want to be able to answer. So today, I have decided to seek His will for my life and to DO it.
Part of this includes giving up a relationship that has in truth been corrosive to both of us. I love her. But, we can't be together. We are both addicts, and she has no desire to quit. I thought her love for me would cause her to seek sobriety but no...
I have to learn to love myself and my God. I must learn to live in this world as a free man. It has been a difficult journey. But I'm not looking for easy. I am looking for meaning; for significance; for hope and joy and happiness. My tommorrows now have an element that has been missing in my life: HOPE.
And with this thought I'll end this short missive. Until next time

NEW BEGINNINGS

2007-12-26T14:09:00.000-05:00

Wow!! It has been so long since I've last written... where to begin? Well, rather than rehash what has been an eventful, mostly crappy year, how about I begin with just for today? Because something I've been thinking about all day is that this IS a new day. I AM clean today. I don't HAVE to be miserable today. I CAN live today. We as addicts are so good at self-destruction aren't we? It is humbling to realize that because of grace we are still here. I'm finding that drug addiction and alcoholism are indeed diseases that we in our insanity embrace. I certainly wouldn't embrace cancer or a heart disease would I? But addiction is embraced with fervor! Now that is insanity.

Last night I attended what is perhaps one of the best meeting I've ever attended. It was Christmas, of course. And the topic was selflessness, which quickly morphed into gratitude. The thing that struck me was that these two are so entwined. I really can not be selfless if I am not grateful. I learned a lot last night. I heard a lot of pain, and shared some of mine also..some very deep and personal pain. It was a catharsis of sorts. I also heard a lot of HOPE and JOY in the fact that we are clean and we are not being insane. One addict said that when it is the most uncomfortable, we gain the most growth. Man, pain sucks!! I for one want to just escape mine. And my history is attempting to do just that (one of the reasons I haven't writen here for so long). I can not escape myself, no matter how hard I try or how far I run. The man in the mirror still looks back at me. Perhaps in the coming days I'll learn to love him again. Today..just for today I'll settle for liking him, and for being grateful. Merry Christmas, and God bless!!!

Coming Home

2007-07-24T08:57:00.000-05:00

It has been over a year (!) since I've last written here....so much has happened that I don't know where to begin. Long and short story: I started using again, and found myself in some hot water with the authorities. Thanks to a drunken fight with my girlfriend, I ended up as a guest of the state for five months.
So, here I am, trying to pick up the pieces of a shattered life once again. It is SOOO difficult..but I am determined to succeed, no matter what. I'm fighting some serious self-esteem issues right now; and I'm still in a pickle relationship-wise. I have no job, though I've been looking very hard. My past is haunting me in my job search. Something will come up, though. I just have to be patient. It's so easy to say, "screw it", and throw in the towel. But the consequences aren't worth it, frankly.
I plan to continue this blog once again. I'll write again soon. Till next time....

Blessings vs Curses...

2006-06-21T13:02:00.000-05:00

The last two days have been a roller coaster ride which doesn't stop...as I sit here waiting for my business partner to contact me, my mind swirls with thoughts I haven't had in quite some time. I am so frustrated, angry, scared, etc., etc..... I haven't been paid yet, which is a soap opera in itself; my landlord is threatening to boot me; I owe bills up the ying yang, which could be paid in full if I can get what's owed me. I question my decision, yet know it was the right thing to do: screwy huh?

So I've been sitting here thinking about blessings and curses, because these thoughts scare the shit out of me. I am blessed to be free. I am blessed to be clean today. I am blessed to be healthy. I am blessed to have friends-true friends, who accept me. I am blessed to have a roof over my head, just for today (maybe literally). I am blessed with parents who forgive. I am blessed with the privelege of life on life's terms. I am blessed to FEEL, though these feelings hurt so bad. I am blessed to blog (!), for it allows me an outlet, though I don't write nearly enough. I am blessed to know people who inspire me, and to call them "Friend". I am blessed (blushing now) to have feelings for someone other than friendship ( there is a curse that goes with this one). I am blessed to have seen the Boss in person! Awesome! I am blessed to experience empathy. I am blessed to know right from wrong. I am blessed with the ability to think ( most of the time). I AM BLESSED with a higher power who forgives me, though I can't forgive myself. I am blesed with the memory of who I was, and the reality of who I am. I am blessed to have so many blessings. I am truly blessed.

I am cursed with a past of my own making. I am cursed with the inability to express my feelings for others properly. I am cursed with the ever present shame of who I was. I am cursed with the knowledge I can't take back the hurt I caused people in my addiction. I am cursed to want a drink or some dope SOO bad today to deaden everything if just for awhile (though I am blessed with the ability to say no). I am cursed with a history of bad decisions leading to a garbage heap of a life, until recently. I am cursed to realize my inadequecies.

Blessings and curses....the wheels of life....good thing the blessings outweigh the curses! Thanks for listening...

In Memorium...

2006-05-29T06:55:00.000-05:00

As we go about our day, may you all take a moment to remember and appreciate the fallen soldiers who gave their lives defending and fighting for our nation. Though I do not always agree with the reasons for war, I have a healthy respect for those who are on the front lines doing their duty. To all who have served and are serving in the military, Thank you. To the parents of fallen soldiers, I pray that in your grief, you will experience the gratitude of a grateful nation. And to all those opposed to war in general or to the Iraq war in particular, please remember that freedom isn't free. Regardless of our feelings, we owe it to those who serve to honor them. So this post is my small way to say,
"Thank you for serving. " Peace!!

Discoveries, Victories, Defeats.....Life happens

2006-05-21T04:10:00.000-05:00

It has been nearly a month since i've written anything here. My apologies to anyone who gives a damn. The past few weeks have been an illuminating series of twists and turns for me. I am finding as I journey further into this life of freedom that I am not immune to the royal fuck up, nor am I so ignorant to not see my mistakes for what they are.

Most of my mistakes have taken a monetary toll...I have discovered that I was ill equipped for the rigors of societal budgeting and living within my means. I had no clue of the value (or lack thereof) of the dollar. All of my life I have been an immediate gratification, spend now-suffer later type of person. I am finding that part ofmy choice to change from the animal I once was must encompass change in ALL areas of my life. To admit I have character defects....AND that these defects of character are active--it has been difficult to accept. But they are what they are. If I am to be honest then I must not only admit my faults, but work to improve myself in this area of my life. So, I am taking steps to correct myself, and to become better at budgeting and using my money.

Another area of my life I am learning to maneuver around pitfalls is relationships with women. I had one for a short time, but for various reasons it didn't work out. I am finding that my.....shyness, for want of a better word, is a barrier to possible relationships. I get tongue-tied!! Writing, I am comfortable...but face to face encounters, I get flustered, like a little school boy. Which in turn pisses me off, and I end up berating myself for awhile. For example, there is one incredible, beautiful, fascinating woman whom I would absolutely love to explore a relationship beyond friendship with. But when I am around her, I can't talk!! So I am left with desires and unexpressed emotions and an unsettling discontent with myself.

On a more positive note, I did get my driver's license and a truck...the freedom of being able to ...GO....has been exhilarating! And I celebrated six months clean time recently. Which is the longest I've ever gone out here in the free world.

I have gained an inexhaustive amount of experience, friendships, laughter, sadness, joys, pain, memories....expectaions...that i carry with me each waking moment. This life is not so bad after all, even with the crap of life thrown in. Learning to negotiate the pitfalls is a daily, often momentary, challenge. But as I am continually learning....LIFE HAPPENS,whether we want it to or not.

a journey......

2006-04-22T12:10:00.000-05:00

swarming darkness all around;
crashing upon my soul.

breathing the stench of hopelessness;
intoxicating fumes of despair.

in the distance a shimmering light;
i struggle to apprehend.

reaching forward to grasp its warmth;
i can taste its power.

the darkness desires my obedience;
my will desires the light.

infinite struggle; i must overcome;
reaching, ever reaching....

the agony of discovery is so exquisite;
as the light envelopes me in its embrace.

the shadows fall, and the darkness fades;
the light has come and the day has dawned!

with the light comes comprehension;
i see the darkness for what it is.

stepping into the future of brightness;
it follows ever watchful.

hoping that i fall;
waiting to embrace once again.

can't look back, can't give in to its call;
the light, oh this wondrous overwhelming light!

at last i have found my oasis;
and finally i am home.

a journey through treacherous steppes;
landing upon the golden shores of tomorrow.

Crossing the Abyss.....

2006-04-20T06:35:00.000-05:00

I sometimes feel I am walking a tightrope, juggling 10 balls , while attempting to cross the abyss. I don't dare lose my concentration, because one misstep, and all will come crashing down. It reminds me of the parable of the two houses. One had a foundation of sand; one, a foundation of cement. When the storms came, the house built on sand was destroyed, while the home with the solid foundation withstood the storms.

I am still trying to figure out which foundation my house is built upon. I think it is a combination. I don't know if I can make it across that abyss. It is so frightening. Yet the hope of stepping onto solid ground on the other side keeps me moving forward.

I will have to make some changes though. Because the way I am handling this pressure is not working right now. I feel like I am taking one step forward, and two steps back. And that abyss is ever before me, calling me with its siren song of rest. There is no rest in the abyss; only misery and an overwhelming hopelessness. See, I've been in that abyss, and have experienced it for many years.

I believe the safest thing for me to do is to get off this damn tightrope, and walk on solid ground. I need to feel the solidity of normalcy rather than the trembling of insanity, if only for a little while. The facade that is presented to the world says, all is well. But the reality is that most of the time I am but a scared, lonely barely functioning addict in recovery who is trying to cross the abyss in one giant leap, and finding to his dismay that it takes a journey of many steps and much time to succeed in crossing the abyss.

This post is not quite what I intended, but sometimes I think it good to just let the thoughts flow. It allows me to not only clarify them, but to share with you where I am at today in this journey.

Discovery, I am finding, is an arduous task. To discover a self that prior to six months ago, never existed, is an amazing, exhausting time-consuming adventure. And do you know something? I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world! No matter how much things may suck, or go wrong, I would not trade this life for anything. Because today, I am free, clean and I am very blessed to be so. What more could a man want? Until next time....

Winston Churchill: The pessimist sees difficulty in every opportunity. The optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty.

Life Lessons....

2006-04-08T23:39:00.000-05:00

Today, I found out I was the cause of hurting a friend of mine, inadvertently. Something I did caused this friend some embarrassment. Well, when I found about it, I was mortified to think I did this. Because believe me, the last thing I would EVER do is hurt this person. So, I've been chewing on this turn of events all day. What can I do to make it up to this individual? I can't take their embarrassment away. I can't stop the information from leaking out. I can't undo the damage.

A second friend has started using again. He was clean for awhile, but now is in jail for domestic violence. I love this guy like a brother. And it is real difficult for me to let go, I'm finding. But let go, I must.

To top off this wonderful day, I had a conversation with a young woman whom I know tonight. She poured her heart out to me, and there was a lot to pour. We cried together, and we laughed together. I didn't offer too much advice, because frankly, that is not what this was about. She just needed to have someone listen. And to me, that is the crux of friendship. To be there when the other is hurting, to share their pain, this is empathy. I don't pat myself on the back for this. But it does bring to mind the changes I see in myself. And it teaches me that life is a continual lesson.

Lesson #1: inadvertently or not, I was responsible for my friend being hurt. And though I can't undo this, what I can do is to humbly apologize, and, (however ineffectually) to try to make it up to this person. Because I realize that whether it is purposeful or not, it is still my responsibility. It would be so easy to say, " screw it, what's done is done". But I found today, that it would not actually be that easy for me, because I am not that type of person anymore. I can only hope this very special friend will forgive me.

Lesson #2: I can't force my sobriety on anyone. I can't make my friend get the help he needs. I can't control the situation. And as a true friend, I must let go. The toughest love is that which hurts most to give. So, you are on your own my friend. I'll be here if you get clean, and will do everything I can for you. But until then, I've got to say goodbye. Because as a recovering addict, I have to. And as a friend, I must.

Lesson #3: Friendships come in so many shades and dimensions. I've shared with you three tonight. It amazes me how varied each relationship is. And it also encourages me that I am learning these dimensions. For I was once a very self-centered and anti-social person.

So the fact that my heart breaks for the woman abused; and I take responsibility for my error; and that I can say goodbye to a friend, all show me in different ways that I am not the man I was. Neither am I the man I purpose to be. But today's events, and my responses to them, show me that I am well on my way. In the final analysis though, today wasn't about me at all. It was just about three people who needed a friend. Till next time.....

What is a friend? A single soul dwelling in two bodies. ~Aristotle~

Dare I? Early Morning Musings..........

2006-04-05T02:18:00.000-05:00

To achieve the highest goal, dare I try?
To be more than I am, dare I change?
To step into the unknown, dare I move?
To soar above my past, dare I take flight?
To be loved, dare I love first?
To capture her heart, dare I first free mine?
To hope, dare I dream?
To dream, dare I wish?
To wish, dare I attempt?
To attempt, dare I move?
To accept the things I cannot change, dare I change the things I can?
To do more, see more, try more, hear more, be more, dare I?
In the darkness of the unknown, dare I reach for the light?
Can I?

Will I?

Dare I?

I do....

Autism Awareness Month

2006-04-01T12:29:00.000-05:00

Today marks the beginning of Autism Awareness Month. A friend of mine has a son with autism, and listening to her speak about her struggles (and his) got me to question just what is autism? Most of us think "Rainman", don't we? Actually, Rainman was a unique case. As are ALL autistic people. What I have learned through my reading is that the symptoms of autism vary widely. In fact the disease affects no two people in the same way. The following is borrowed from the Autism Society of America:

Autism is one of five disorders that falls under the umbrella of Pervasive Developmental Disorders (PDD), a category of neurological disorders characterized by Âsevere and pervasive impairment in several areas of development.Â

The five disorders under PDD are:

Autistic Disorder
Asperger's Disorder
Childhood Disintegrative Disorder (CDD)
Rett's Disorder
PDD-Not Otherwise Specified (PDD-NOS)

Each of these disorders has specific diagnostic criteria which been outlined in the American Psychiatric Association's Diagnostic & Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-IV-TR).

Prevalence of Autism
Autism is the most common of the Pervasive Developmental Disorders, affecting an estimated 1 in 166 births (Centers for Disease Control Prevention, 2004). Roughly translated, this means as many as 1.5 million Americans today are believed to have some form of autism. And this number is on the rise.

Based on statistics from the U.S. Department of Education and other governmental agencies, autism is growing at a startling rate of 10-17 percent per year. At this rate, the ASA estimates that the prevalence of autism could reach 4 million Americans in the next decade.

Autism knows no racial, ethnic, social boundaries, family income, lifestyle, or educational levels and can affect any family, and any child.

And although the overall incidence of autism is consistent around the globe, it is four times more prevalent in boys than in girls.

When I was younger, I used to volunteer at this home for the disabled. One of the guys there had autism, and I used to spend quite a bit of time with him. Jimmy had his own little world. And it took many months before he would recognize me when I came (or show recognition, rather). The staff taught me to just be there, to talk to him and to be interested in whatever he was doing. He had no family, they dumped him off at that place. Which I have found to be quite...Coldly convenient for the family. The interesting thing about my time with Jimmy is that he taught me more than I could ever hope to teach him. Through the intervening years, I've never forgotten that first smile of recognition when I walked into his sparse room. And though admittedly, my compassionate nature was trashed by my drug usage for a long time, I find that I am able to feel that compassion I felt for Jimmy those many years ago. He taught me that life IS a gift, and that the mind is such an amazing instrument of God's creative power, even the mind affected by such a disease as Autism.

Unfortunately, I haven't had the privilege of meeting my friend's son yet, though I would love to. But I believe that he and I would hit it off...Sooner or later. But I digress...... You know, becoming aware is great, but this awareness leads me to ask the question, " What do I do with this awareness?" There are thousands of causes out there, and most of them worthy. So how do you choose? Do you send money? Pray? Give time? Volunteer? The answer for me is to personalize my involvement. What I mean is that for me to give to a "cause" just doesn't feel right. If I take up a cause and support it, then I am going to get my hands dirty, so to speak. For me that means personal contact. So, if my friend needs help cleaning the house, or mowing the yard, or whatever, I'll help her. NOT because she's a "cause". Do not mistake what I am saying. But because I care for her, I will do whatever I can to help make her life easier. And if I get the chance to meet her son, I will endeavor to get to know him, and to learn from him (you would be amazed what you can learn from listening and observing!).

I hope you will get involved today. For those of us who are in recovery, volunteering or just pitching in to help is a great way to give back a little of what we took for so long. I believe it's all a process of redemption. And redemption is, after all, a product of grace. Till next time.....

When you begin to touch your heart or let your heart be touched, you begin to discover that it's bottomless, that it doesn't have any resolution, that this heart is huge, vast, and limitless. You begin to discover how much warmth and gentleness is there, as well as how much space. Pema Chodron

2006-04-01T12:24:00.000-05:00

Morning Has Broken..........

2006-03-30T02:25:00.000-05:00

"A mythical bird that never dies, the phoenix flies far ahead to the front, always scanning the landscape and distant space. It represents our capacity for vision, for collecting sensory information about our environment and the events unfolding within it. The phoenix, with its great beauty, creates intense excitement and deathless inspiration." - The Feng Shui Handbook, feng shui Master Lam Kam Chuen

As a recovering addict and man who has loosed his chains, I am continually awash in the hope that springs from the well of promise. And as this creature of myth seeks the horizons, I look forward to the tomorrows and envision a life of freedom and sobriety. It is this hope that first started me on my present journey several years ago. And today, as I review the past few months, I find myself to be a grateful man who is blessed beyond comprehension for the one thing that for many years he thought was unobtainable: HOPE.

As the phoenix refuses to accept his death, I refuse to accept that my present and my future must be ruled by my past. The hope that wells inside me is born of desire to break those chains that bound my mind and my soul for so many years. And it is this hope that causes me to anticipate each day with unfathomable excitement and deathless inspiration! Even in the daily crap of life I find this joy. I'm glad to have the privilege of experiencing this crap!! No, I'm not a masochist, but I am mindful of the journey traveled thus far. And this keeps me hopeful.

The things I desire to do; the life I desire to create for myself; and the other things that make up the fabric of life will all come. I am an impatient man and I want my cake NOW. But I am willing to wait and to work for it. For now it is enough to have the hope of tomorrow, and the dream of today. Till next time.....

God.....
Grant me the serenity....
To accept the things I cannot change...........
To change the things I can.........
And the wisdom to know the difference.
JUST FOR TODAY

Good morning Monday.....

2006-03-27T04:05:00.000-05:00

You know, it is early in the morning here, and I was sitting here thinking about purpose. The reason I'm thinking on this is because I have a paper coming up that has to do with our professional purpose, and how we define ourselves in the business world. It got me to thinking about my life's purpose in general. Heady stuff for four AM, but that's me: insomniac extraordinare!

How does one go about defining his or her purpose in life? Through faith in God? Or is it based upon career and family choices? I think we must each find our passion. What moves you? What is it that gets your blood running hot? Is it art? or your children? Maybe it is service. or career. I think it can be a combination. I would hate to have my life defined by one aspect of it. Why put myself in a box?

Well, I am starting Step 4, and these are some of the questions I'm asking myself along the way. I've done a personal inventory, but want to do so again to see where I am and to get a focus on my life's direction.

On a lighter note, I've included a link to one of my favorite joke sites.....everyone needs a good laugh once in a while! I'm still figuring out this whole web page thing, so bear with me when I try to add content and it comes out all weirded out.

Lizzie, I hope to se you guys this week.....missed you saturday.....had to work. Todd, where's the newest posts? huh? Get on your job, man!! You too lizzie, blogger queen... :) And where's the link to your other blog? What? I can't visit anymore? Ok I'm done. have a great day everyone.....I've got to TRY to sleep. Till next time.....

How do I change?
If I feel depressed I will sing.
If I feel sad I will laugh.
If I feel ill I will double my labour.
If I feel fear I will plunge ahead.
If I feel inferior I will wear new garments.
If I feel uncertain I will raise my voice.
If I feel poverty I will think of wealth to come.
If I feel incompetent I will think of past success.
If I feel insignificant I will remember my goals.
Today I will be the master of my emotions.

Frustrations and Remonstrances...........

2006-03-26T02:44:00.000-05:00

You know, I keep telling myself, "All is well, you're doing great!" So tell me, why do I feel like banging my head against the wall? Well, since I'm practicing rigorous honesty (which gets a bit difficult at times) and this blog is my avenue toward that end, here I go putting my foot deeply into my mouth once again. (open mouth, insert foot)

Have you ever had a desire or need that you know damn well will never be fulfilled? It really sucks doesn't it? And I ask myself, " how can you do this to yourself?" Good question! Hell, I don't know. I guess I'm just a damned fool.

I'm kind of beating around the bush, but be patient, I'll get there. At a meeting recently, we had a very candid discussion about humility. Humility , it is said, is the ability to see yourself clearly, and to accept who are. Maybe I can't see too clearly. Because I am SO frustrated right now, it hurts. And I don't have a clue what to do about it.

All this is about a woman, folks. Yeah, Randy done let himself fall for a woman he has virtually no chance with. She shall remain nameless, although she will probably figure it out; she is, after all, Very smart. As I have gotten to know her (though not nearly as much as I would love to), I've found her to be everything I adore in a woman....funny, stylish, tough, vulnerable, sexy (VERY sexy!!), gorgeous, artistic, reliant, honest, a great mother, ....God broke the mold when He created her.

I aughta delete this entire piece right now. But I'm a fool, I guess so I'll keep going. Look, I know that in recovery, it is best to avoid relationships for awhile. I know, too, that my chances of having a relationship with this woman are virtually nil, because she is way out of my league. And add to this the fact that when I'm around her, I get the freeze--tongue tied and feeling like a little school kid! So, what do I do? I adore from a distance, in my so-called safe zone. Though I think the zone has booted me out into the cold, because I don't think it's working for me in this case. I can't shut off the feelings and I can't stop myself from the way I feel. That's where the frustration kicks in.

So, I sit here and beat myself up over it...the remonstrances. The one thought that keeps returning is, "You are not good enough for her." I know that's the evil Randy trying to kick my ass, but damn, it's working.

Then there is this tiny little voice amid all the clutter that is my brain that keeps softly saying, " Don't sell yourself short!" God, how I would love to give this voice full volume. It's there, but it only whispers. But it is in those whispers that I find what I need most.....hope. Yes, I hope. I dream. I want. I need. I love. I lose. I cry. I yet I hope. And it is this hope: the hope that I am not as bad as my evil mind would like me to believe; that I could have a relationship with this beautiful creature; that I will make something of my life. These are the things that keep me continually striving to better myself; to endure the pains of loneliness, to seek restoration of my SELF. For it is in this whispered voice of hope that I can hear with clarity the bugle call of true freedom. No, my past will never die. It is my past. But I don;t have to allow it to continue it's domination over me. I can hope. And dream.

till next time........

keep hope alive

Social (Re)development...........

2006-03-23T04:52:00.000-05:00

I was sitting here unable to sleep (again), and got to thinking about the social development of people and what causes us to develop into social animals? What got me to thinking about this somewhat esoteric subject is my own progress socially over the past few months--or lack thereof.

I am finding that social interaction is a key component to living in society. And I for one NEVER was social during my active addiction. In fact, I was for many years a anti-social person. I avoided social interaction like the plague. Why? Part of it was because I was self-conscious. Part because I didn't want to interact...I was comfortable in my aloneness. And part was due to prolonged social deprivation (solitary confinement).

So what is changing? Because I've gotta tell you, I am beginning to crave social interaction now. I am so tired of alone that it almost hurts. I find I am interested in people; their stories, their views, their knowledge. I want to get to know people, to develop relationships, to be social. And this, maybe more than any other factor, is a barometer of my healing.

What is changing? I am becoming a member of the human race !! It is a wonderful realization to see that you have actually climbed out of that self-imposed gutter to stand tall in the daylight of freedom. I'm not speaking solely of my physical freedom, though admittedly I am really enjoying it! I am speaking of my emotional and mental freedom, from chains I didn't even realize were there.

What really got me to thinking about all this is the fact that for the last few days, I haven't had any social contact outside of work. I just got moved to second shift, and am trying to get used to it. But my sleeping habits are all messed up now. And I'm still trying to get used to it. So, I haven't been too social lately.

And I've been miserable because of it. Being social online just isn't a su bstitute for real live interaction. I miss my friends, and I miss those who are rapidly becoming friends.

Ok OK ...I'm meaundering, I know. Hey, life is a constant learning curve for me. I am learning to appreciate even the down moments, like this week. I don't enjoy it but I do appreciate it. Because it is moments like these that I see clearly my growth and development.

I am............. 'nuff said.

Well, I HAVE to get some sleep. So I'll close this little piece with this final thought:

It is in the window of the moment that one can often experience the masterpiece of the ages.

Till next time...........

P.S.: Todd, your site is truly an eye-opener... I've been enjoying it immensely! Though I think I'm worth more than a measely 1.6 mil. And Michelle, like I said your blogging will be sorely missed...don't stay away too long, huh? Lizzie, stay true, it will all work itself out.

beauty....

2006-03-21T02:05:00.000-05:00

Once in awhile you come across something that takes your breath away. And when these precious moments come, we should cherish them, don't you think? Especially those of us who have seen so much of the dark side of life. So my question for all of you today is, WHAT DO YOU CHERISH? What do you find beautiful? is there something that gets your blood running hot when you view it?

For me beauty is so many things. The artistry of a concert pianist; the paintings of a Chicago artist (thanks, Todd, for turning me on to her!!); a star filled evening sky; the smile on a child's face because you played catch with him; the smile of a blue-eyed angel; the smell of Spring; the wash of sunlight across the face; the rippling of a pond; the opening of the prison gates; the architecture of a well-designed home; and on it goes......

My reason for meaundering like this is because I was contemplating today on my life, and realized that in the midst of change and turmoil I have been blessed to see beauty all around, and didn't appreciate it. We get so caught up in the seriousness of life that we forget there is beauty and peace and harmony. All we know is cacophony. Perhaps it is time on this first day of Spring to endeavor to appreciate the beauty that is all around us. Maybe in doing so, we will see the forest through the trees. And maybe, just maybe we will take a step towards healing our wounded psyches.

I'm not a pychologist or preacher or anything like that. I'm just a guy who realizes that a big part of me has been missing, and I wish to discover it. Beauty has been a stranger here, but no longer......My eyes are opened and I am wondrously exploring this thing called LIFE!! It's a hell of a journey!! till next time.........

It is in the storms of our lives that we can often find the oasis of beauty.......we just have to look outside ourselves!

Requeim........

2006-03-17T21:57:00.000-05:00

In the passage of time one seldom discovers moments that stand out in memeory as defining moments in this journey of life. It is a fortunate occasion when one does realize one of these precious moments. One such moment occurred for me this week, and with it came the demise of something I have held dear for most of my life.

The other day I was at a meeting and this guy said something that struck me so hard that I have been rocked by the reality of it. He said, "If we had the same view of ourselves as God does, we would have forgiven ourselves long ago." Our vision is so impaired that we can't see the forest through the trees at times. But there is that occasional glimmer of reality that drives us ever onward in our quest to discover our true selves.

I can't see the person I am with God-given clarity; I wish that I could! Perhaps I would give myself a break. One thing I was able to see upon reflection was the death of a persona that has haunted me all of my life....the," You ain't shit so don't even try,you worthless piece of shit" persona that has been my cross to bear as long as I can remember.

The sudden realization that I AM on the road to recovery was so refreshing it brought tears to my eyes. I can't begin to tell you how big a........relief it is to see this dark persona take his final bow. For, I have been my own worst critic, and have succombed to the belief that we are the sum of our experience. But this view is so limited in scope to be almost laughable. Yet it is nothing to laugh at. Because this recovery is serious business, and I am intent on staying in recovery. Too bad we will never actually be recovered.....but we can stay in recovery, and that my friends is the essence of hope.

Sorry, folks, for the lapse in posts....I've had a hell of a time catching up on school work. But, thankfully my new computer finally got here, and I'm nearly caught up, so I can get back to writing; which I find I really enjoy. huh, who knew?

I taught myself how to do pictures yesterday, thus the pic of me. Technology continually astounds me....keep in mind, that until November, I had never even used a computer, nor seen the internet. Reminds me of the old Virginia Slims commercial: "You've come a long way, baby!!" Well, I'm off to see my friends and family at R2R, so I'll write more later. Till next time......

Excellence is an art won by training and habituation. We do not act rightly because we have virtue or excellence, but rather we have those because we have acted rightly. We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, then, is not an act but a habit.

2006-03-17T20:40:00.000-05:00

My life is a damned Country Song......

2006-03-15T21:11:00.000-05:00

FINALLY!!!! I'm back online after a short, but very painful interlude. My Dill crashed and burned on me on Saturday. Luckily, I had a computer ordered for the past month! Anyways, After much cajoling, begging, threatening, begging and cajoling, I finally recieved my new system last night....at about 2 AM. The guy delivered it from Ann Arbor. He got lost like three times on the way here, and what originally should have taken two to three hours took him about TEN!! He left A2 at 4:30.
So, to make a long story short, I have had NO sleep since Monday and am feeling a bit squirrely. But Soon I wil sleep, as soon as I get out of class. Things are so awry in my life right now, I have trouble gaining my equilibrium sometimes........ Gotta go to class folks. Till next time........

Humility is the ability to see clearly without rose colored glasses...

Prom Night Reflections....

2006-03-12T01:20:00.000-05:00

The prom has come and gone and all we are left with are vivid memories of a night that had its laughter (Will's dancing: hilarious!!), its poignancy, and its promise. For the most part, I must admit that I had a good time. What a shock. The food was excellent! We had two speakers for the price of one. They weren't my friend Lizzie, but hey, who is? :) Seriously though, They spoke upon the spiritual principles in NA, and how they apply to us. Very enlightening comments from them both. When Paul spoke on intimacy and freedom, I wondered for a brief moment if he had been reading my blog!! Because he spoke directly to me.
After the speaker meeting, the dance got going. Not a whole lot of dancing though. Ok, I admit, I chickened out of that portion of the evening. Oh, I stuck around. But I didn't dance. Hey, baby steps!
The ladies looked absolutely incredible. Lizzie could have stopped traffic at rush hour with that sexy black dress and red hair! Christine looked like a princess in the beautiful white dress she wore. All I can say is WOW. You go girls!!!
The evening was made a lot easier for me because one very special woman allowed me the priveledge of hanging out with her most of the evening. Though I am dissappointed in my limited conversation skills, I did enjoy her company immensely, and meeting her daughter was also a joy! She was SO cute in that dress! And you, Michelle, looked drop dead gorgeous!!
You know, I've been thinking tonight how it is so easy to pigeon hole someone based upon looks or pre-conceived ideas or misunderstandings. I've been guilty of doing this myself. I'll see someone and right away place them in a category. Not always, but it happens occasionally. I have been reminded this past week through getting to see beyond the perception through these blogs, and theirs; and from listening to them, that to do this is cheating yourself out of what could possibly be a great friendship. This one person in particular is owed an apology, and that I will give in person.
Over all, Prom night has to qualify as a success. Maybe that monster got rocked back on his heels a little tonight. One can hope....after that's what this life is all about....experience, strength and HOPE. Till next time...... and thanks for the memories!

The Confessions of a Social Coward

2006-03-10T17:27:00.001-05:00

I must preface this particular blog by stating that what I am about to share goes against every fiber of my being. I've hinted at it in meetings, but this will be the first time I actually reveal the entire thing in public. Oh, don't worry..it's nothing sordid or horrifying, except to me of course......
Hmmmm....where to start? Well, I guess the beginning sounds like a winner, huh? As you may or may not know from reading this, due to the insanity which is my addiction, I spent many years as a guest of the great state of Michigan. In fact out of the past twenty years, I have done about nineteen in prison. My first term was for breaking into a house and auto theft; then an escape added more time, so I did seven years. I got out in 1992 with great intentions! I was going to make it!! Nothing had changed, except the calendar, but I was going to make it. Yeah, right. Within 90 days I was using again and stealing to support my habit. Eleven months after I got out, I was facing a life sentence for breaking into another house and for being an habitual criminal. What I got was 10-22 1/2 year sentence. So--back to prison I went, a hateful, bitter, angry, very, very messed up broken man. I went to maximum security because of a botched escape attempt in the county jail. In 1995, I was in a maximum security prison when I had an altercation with a guard. I slugged him a couple times (BAD, BAD move!!!), and was taken to solitary confinement. After I recieved a new sentence for this, I was moved to a super- maximum prison, in segregation (Solitary), where I spent the next six years. This happened in 1995.
For the first couple of years in solitary, I did absolutely nothing constructive. I read and slept. I didn't do anything. It wasn't until 1998 that I started, slowly, to look at my life. I denied at first that I was the person I was seeing. Why this happened?? I don't know except to say that my higher power allowed me a glimpse at the real Randy, and this glimpse was horrifying. There was no way in hell I was this animal!!! No fuckin' way! I denied it for some time. But I could not escape the reality of who and what I had become any longer.
Finally, I made the decision to take an honest and complete look at myself. What I saw was a bitter, hate filled, immoral animal with no conscience and few redeeming qualities. I can't properly put into words the horror I felt at this realization. I determined to change. So you see that there must have been a higher power at work. He wasn't done. First I had to look at my values and morals. To this point, I had no morals; nor did I value anything or anyone. I was a human animal, fit only to be caged as I was. How to change?? My first decision was to stop lying. I was a dishonest person, and this dishonesty affected every part of my life. I was dishonest to everyone, including myself. So, my first order of business was to be honest as I could be.
So, I started an inventory of my life. I didn't call it that, but that's what it was. I laid bare every facet of my life and every action. It was a long trying and very painful journey through the hell of my existence. Where I could make changes I endeavored to do so. Not without setbacks, and certainly not perfectly. But the man I am today is so completely different from that person in 1998 who first took the steps to sanity.
Ok, that is a sketch of background. I wound up staying in solitary from May of 1995 to June of 2001. Four years after that, I was released from prison. The transition from solitary to population was not that traumatic. It wasn't till I got out that I realized there is a major scar that I have thanks to so much time locked away......
I am scared SHITLESS of crowds! I am scared of rejection in social settings. Have you ever read, "The Scarlett Letter"? When I am in social settings I feel, rightly or not, that I have a humongous C on my forehead ( for CONVICT). Not only that, but I feel awkward with people, especially women. Hell, I get tongue-tied around women. I get squirrelly in the wierdest places. In meetings, if I sit at the corner of a table, I'm ok, but put me in the middle, and my anxiety goes skyrocketing. In church, if I am on the isle, I'm fine, even in a packed church. But to sit in the middle of a pew is to put the nice grey-haired lady in front of me at risk of being hurled on.
I'm making progress, thankfully. It's a little slow for my taste but it is progress. I've yet to actually be on a date or be intimate with a woman (GOD, I can't believe I'm admitting this!!), because other than basic social conversation, I ....... oh shit. I would give my left ### to be able to approach a woman and ask her for a date, or whatever. Yes, I am heteral-sexual, and yes I love women. (And yes, I know what they say, about the first year, dear Lizzie.) But Damnit I get so lonely. Intimacy--not just sex-- but true intimacy is something I fear I will never have. And THAT is my greatest fear. Yeah, I could go out and have sex with someone. But, no. I determined that I will learn to be intimate and I will learn to be social and I will learn to talk in person. This writing is easier for me. Maybe because I can't see you? I don't know. All I know is that I long to kill that monster. I put myself into situations where socializing is necessary...then run like hell! At the Christmas party and dance, I made it till the dance was about to start, then left. I was so.... I felt claustrophopic, even in that big crowd. Valentine's I skipped altogether because I was too much of a coward to ask anyone to go.
Tomorrow our group is having a prom. I have to work. At least for part of it. But you know what? I will be there at least for part of it. I'm going, maybe not in a tux, or even a suit (I really don't own one yet) but I will go as soon as I get out of work. And if I stand in the corner now you know why. I'm not being an asshole, or stuckup, or anything like that. I am just scared. But I'm going. Because I believe that this is a debilitating effect of my disease and I will not allow my disease to control me. If I make a fool of myself, so be it. Oh my God what am I getting myself into?!?!
Well, there you have it-- my confession. They say confession is cathartic. I don't feel too cathartic right now. What I feel is that I MUST be nuts to share these things, knowing people I have come to know will read them. But, I made a commitment to myself when I started this blog: I will open my life and share this journey and I will do it HONESTLY.
That's all folks. Till next time.........

Too often, the value of a moment is not seen till it is past......Enjoy your moments; cherish them; relish them!

P.S.: Lizzie, you'll do GREAT tomorrow!! Just be you; everything else will work out fine.

Experience, Strength and Hope....

2006-03-10T05:48:00.000-05:00

Last night I had the priveledge to witness one of our group celebrate her four year birthday. It was truly inspiring. Maybe there is hope for us yet!!! I liked what she said when asked how she did it..
"I didn't; WE did"! Very true, and I thank you for pointing that out, Christina! Congrats!!!

Just when I thought it was Safe......Life Happened

2006-03-08T23:15:00.000-05:00

I've found over the past few days that I am not cured (how dreadful!). To be perfectly honest, for awhile since I got out of prison, I really started to believe that my addiction was a thing of the past. Nothing could be further from the truth, as I was made painfully aware of this week.It seems that though I am not in "active" addiction, I do still carry the character defects of the addict. One of my main defects has to do with the use of money. I get real manipulative with my money. For example, if I have $100, and know damn well that I have a rent payment due on Saturday, but today, I want to use some of that rent money to play cards (in the hopes i will win, of course), I will do so, telling myself that I have four days to come up with the difference. Well, life doesn't always work as planned does it? Or I will borrow to pay one bill, then borrow from somewhere else to pay that bill, then..... well, you get the picture. I asked myself last night , "what the hell are you doing, you stupid idiot?!?!?" I mean, this is classic Randy addictive behavior! I was stopped short by the thought that this is exactly the road I've traveled so many times in life, just under a slightly different guise. I'll manipulate and connive till I am way too far over my head, then resort to drastic measures, because I can't stand the pressure. This realization scared the hell out of me! I've worked too damned hard to change, to become a better man , to just throw it all away over bad choices, blah, blah, blah....oh shut up. While all this is true, you want the real? The real is that I love living on the edge and push the envelope till it's hanging by a chad! (Ok, Ok, bad metaphor, but you get the point). My addiction loves the excitement of looking over that cliff and wondering if it is REALLY as far down as it looks to be. Man, this whole honest with self thing bites sometimes!!!So, what to do? hmmm..... methinks I have a problem; not with money, per se, for like the drugs, money is just an expression of the addiction. My problem lies in my decision-making process. Instead of reviewing all of the choices my tendancy is to jump at the first seemingly easy choice without regard to consequence until after the fact. This is a problem that affects all areas of my life, not just in money matters. So...... what do I do to teach myself good decision-making? well, I guess that is the purpose of this blog. At least part of the purpose. Perhaps I'll get some feedback that will be helpful.Have you ever stepped into a situation that made you think you were stepping into an episode of theTwilght Zone? This is how it has been for me since being released from prison after twelve and one-half years. I came out with great expectations, and alot of hopes, goals, and dreams. And, don't get me wrong-- I am LOVING my freedom!! I worked extremely hard to get it, and enjoy it tremendously. BUT....... it is a maze to me at times, this free life. And I always seem to run into the wrong warren or path in this maze. But I am learning.... each day is a new learning experience; a new chapter in the journey of my life.Well, gotta go hit a meeting, folks. By the way, thanks to some very special people for your comments!! Todd, I'll fill you in ASAP, my friend. I will blog some more tonight after school.... till next time.....
The taste of the sweet nectar of life is a gift to be cherished, not abused. TASTE, ENJOY, LIVE, LOVE, BE........JUST FOR TODAY!!!!!

Postscript: Today, I was told by my P.O. that I can have my driver's license!! What a relief!! Man, I am SOOOO tired of riding a damned bike! LOL Seriously, I look forward to driving again. It's been awhile! That was the last obstacle in the way of my new job, so all is working out on that front..

Living in the Moment is a Bitch!

2006-03-07T22:16:00.000-05:00

Well, I discovered that I am STILL irresponsible as hell, today. What a drag. And here I thought I was so acclimated. DAMN IT!!!! I'm pretty pissed at myself right now. Why does that old Randy (whom I thought I killed inside a prison cell) continue to haunt me?!? Hell, I ain't supposed to be irresponsible!!! HELLO DISEASE! I had you licked........ or so I thought.

What happened? I skipped work today, for no particular reason. Just woke up, decided I wasn't going, and called in sick. What an idiot. Ok, so I did snag this new job I've been going after, and I did make progress on a school project, and I did set up an interview with my P.O. for tomorrow to discuss reinstating my license. But it was still irresponsible.

It is a slap in the nuts to come to the realization that I don't have that part of my life under total control. Fucking character defects! Can't I just take a pill for this damned disease???? Please? I am so discusted with myself right now. Then, I blew off a meeting.... which obviously I need, because now I want nothing more than to escape this battle in my idiot brain.

You know, one thing I am grateful for today is that just for today, I am clean. Don't want to be right now. But I am. And even in my "kicking myself in the head" mode, I am aware that this is a gift of my recovery. It shows me all is not lost...... I gotta go do a post for school. I have till 11:59 EST to post it. Procrastinated till the last minute! What? You thought I had only ONE character defect? Stay tuned!!

By the way, if anyone of note drops by..... thanks for saying HI today. It was appreciated!

Also by the way, I can't figure out the link section yet, so forgive me. Too bad, because I have a couple of great ones to share... anyone care to give a noob pointers, I'm all ears!!

Thanks!!! Till next time......

"In the still, small voice one can often hear the shout of ETERNITY calling him to attention"

Another Day in the Life......

2006-03-06T01:32:00.000-05:00

Well, I see it has been almost a month since my first blog. Where does the time go? I can't believe it has been that long. Anyways, here it is the beginning of March. So, what's new? I
am continually amazed at the pace with which I have integrated into society. So amazed, in fact, that my mind has developed a couple of short circuits!
I don't really know how to explain it. Maybe it is familiarity rearing its ugly head, I don't know. You know what they say about familiarity, don't you? It breeds contempt. I don't want to become sofamiliar with my life that I become complacent. And that is exactly what I see happening. It scares me, actually. Because not only do I become complacent in my daily life, but also in my recovery. The fact is I've been thinking I may even be cured!!!! PULEEAASE!!! CURED?!?!? Man, I have so many new problems now that I am clean, sober and free, that I don't even know how to begin fixing them
Look, I haven't been sleeping, becauseI am so worried about money, or friends, or whatever.Even right now, it is 1:45 AM and I have to be in work at 6:30. Sleep? I wish!

Life doesn't get easier with added responsibility. It gets harder. hmmmm....... In prison I always pictured the real world as this utopia of freedom and responsibility and 9 - 5 job and ...... I couldn't picture the crap of life which makes it so difficult. Like, why didn't anyone ever tell me about how difficult it is to live within a small budget? Or, why didn't they explain to methat though my intentions were, and are, good, intentions will only open the door to opportunity. they won't teach me HOW to live in society. I live by the art of trial and error. Sometimes I make a faux paux, but then, I expect to. This life is still new to me. Wierd, seeing these words. It makes me feel like an explorer in a strange new land!

For example, my social skills are limited. I never learned how to be a social animal. In my addiction, I was extremely anti-social. Still, I find it so difficult to engage in conversation, even though I am very interested in meeting and getting to know people. It is a strange mic of emotions I feel in social situations. Trepidation, fear, longing to belong, hope..... all come into play. Anger, frustration, hopelessness.... these too come into play. I fight the self-doubt every waking hour.

My biggest fear is of being alone for the rest of my life. Because I get toungue tied around women! I love talking to them, and yet, get so school-boyish when the chance arises, I fear I come off as an idiot. For example, there is this one particular woman.... she is in my home group, actually. Smart, funny, real, beautiful.... I would like nothing more than the opportunity to get to know her better. But when I am in her presence, I clam up like a school boy!

Well, that's my problem i guess. I doubt anyone ever reads this anyways. But I will keep writing if for no other reason than it is therapeutic. Till next time!!!

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