I was sitting here unable to sleep (again), and got to thinking about the social development of people and what causes us to develop into social animals? What got me to thinking about this somewhat esoteric subject is my own progress socially over the past few months--or lack thereof.
I am finding that social interaction is a key component to living in society. And I for one NEVER was social during my active addiction. In fact, I was for many years a anti-social person. I avoided social interaction like the plague. Why? Part of it was because I was self-conscious. Part because I didn't want to interact...I was comfortable in my aloneness. And part was due to prolonged social deprivation (solitary confinement).
So what is changing? Because I've gotta tell you, I am beginning to crave social interaction now. I am so tired of alone that it almost hurts. I find I am interested in people; their stories, their views, their knowledge. I want to get to know people, to develop relationships, to be social. And this, maybe more than any other factor, is a barometer of my healing.
What is changing? I am becoming a member of the human race !! It is a wonderful realization to see that you have actually climbed out of that self-imposed gutter to stand tall in the daylight of freedom. I'm not speaking solely of my physical freedom, though admittedly I am really enjoying it! I am speaking of my emotional and mental freedom, from chains I didn't even realize were there.
What really got me to thinking about all this is the fact that for the last few days, I haven't had any social contact outside of work. I just got moved to second shift, and am trying to get used to it. But my sleeping habits are all messed up now. And I'm still trying to get used to it. So, I haven't been too social lately.
And I've been miserable because of it. Being social online just isn't a su bstitute for real live interaction. I miss my friends, and I miss those who are rapidly becoming friends.
Ok OK ...I'm meaundering, I know. Hey, life is a constant learning curve for me. I am learning to appreciate even the down moments, like this week. I don't enjoy it but I do appreciate it. Because it is moments like these that I see clearly my growth and development.
I am............. 'nuff said.
Well, I HAVE to get some sleep. So I'll close this little piece with this final thought:
It is in the window of the moment that one can often experience the masterpiece of the ages.
Till next time...........
P.S.: Todd, your site is truly an eye-opener... I've been enjoying it immensely! Though I think I'm worth more than a measely 1.6 mil. And Michelle, like I said your blogging will be sorely missed...don't stay away too long, huh? Lizzie, stay true, it will all work itself out.
Thursday, March 23, 2006
Tuesday, March 21, 2006
beauty....
Once in awhile you come across something that takes your breath away. And when these precious moments come, we should cherish them, don't you think? Especially those of us who have seen so much of the dark side of life. So my question for all of you today is, WHAT DO YOU CHERISH? What do you find beautiful? is there something that gets your blood running hot when you view it?
For me beauty is so many things. The artistry of a concert pianist; the paintings of a Chicago artist (thanks, Todd, for turning me on to her!!); a star filled evening sky; the smile on a child's face because you played catch with him; the smile of a blue-eyed angel; the smell of Spring; the wash of sunlight across the face; the rippling of a pond; the opening of the prison gates; the architecture of a well-designed home; and on it goes......
My reason for meaundering like this is because I was contemplating today on my life, and realized that in the midst of change and turmoil I have been blessed to see beauty all around, and didn't appreciate it. We get so caught up in the seriousness of life that we forget there is beauty and peace and harmony. All we know is cacophony. Perhaps it is time on this first day of Spring to endeavor to appreciate the beauty that is all around us. Maybe in doing so, we will see the forest through the trees. And maybe, just maybe we will take a step towards healing our wounded psyches.
I'm not a pychologist or preacher or anything like that. I'm just a guy who realizes that a big part of me has been missing, and I wish to discover it. Beauty has been a stranger here, but no longer......My eyes are opened and I am wondrously exploring this thing called LIFE!! It's a hell of a journey!! till next time.........
It is in the storms of our lives that we can often find the oasis of beauty.......we just have to look outside ourselves!
For me beauty is so many things. The artistry of a concert pianist; the paintings of a Chicago artist (thanks, Todd, for turning me on to her!!); a star filled evening sky; the smile on a child's face because you played catch with him; the smile of a blue-eyed angel; the smell of Spring; the wash of sunlight across the face; the rippling of a pond; the opening of the prison gates; the architecture of a well-designed home; and on it goes......
My reason for meaundering like this is because I was contemplating today on my life, and realized that in the midst of change and turmoil I have been blessed to see beauty all around, and didn't appreciate it. We get so caught up in the seriousness of life that we forget there is beauty and peace and harmony. All we know is cacophony. Perhaps it is time on this first day of Spring to endeavor to appreciate the beauty that is all around us. Maybe in doing so, we will see the forest through the trees. And maybe, just maybe we will take a step towards healing our wounded psyches.
I'm not a pychologist or preacher or anything like that. I'm just a guy who realizes that a big part of me has been missing, and I wish to discover it. Beauty has been a stranger here, but no longer......My eyes are opened and I am wondrously exploring this thing called LIFE!! It's a hell of a journey!! till next time.........
It is in the storms of our lives that we can often find the oasis of beauty.......we just have to look outside ourselves!
Friday, March 17, 2006
Requeim........
In the passage of time one seldom discovers moments that stand out in memeory as defining moments in this journey of life. It is a fortunate occasion when one does realize one of these precious moments. One such moment occurred for me this week, and with it came the demise of something I have held dear for most of my life.
The other day I was at a meeting and this guy said something that struck me so hard that I have been rocked by the reality of it. He said, "If we had the same view of ourselves as God does, we would have forgiven ourselves long ago." Our vision is so impaired that we can't see the forest through the trees at times. But there is that occasional glimmer of reality that drives us ever onward in our quest to discover our true selves.
I can't see the person I am with God-given clarity; I wish that I could! Perhaps I would give myself a break. One thing I was able to see upon reflection was the death of a persona that has haunted me all of my life....the," You ain't shit so don't even try,you worthless piece of shit" persona that has been my cross to bear as long as I can remember.
The sudden realization that I AM on the road to recovery was so refreshing it brought tears to my eyes. I can't begin to tell you how big a........relief it is to see this dark persona take his final bow. For, I have been my own worst critic, and have succombed to the belief that we are the sum of our experience. But this view is so limited in scope to be almost laughable. Yet it is nothing to laugh at. Because this recovery is serious business, and I am intent on staying in recovery. Too bad we will never actually be recovered.....but we can stay in recovery, and that my friends is the essence of hope.
The other day I was at a meeting and this guy said something that struck me so hard that I have been rocked by the reality of it. He said, "If we had the same view of ourselves as God does, we would have forgiven ourselves long ago." Our vision is so impaired that we can't see the forest through the trees at times. But there is that occasional glimmer of reality that drives us ever onward in our quest to discover our true selves.
I can't see the person I am with God-given clarity; I wish that I could! Perhaps I would give myself a break. One thing I was able to see upon reflection was the death of a persona that has haunted me all of my life....the," You ain't shit so don't even try,you worthless piece of shit" persona that has been my cross to bear as long as I can remember.
The sudden realization that I AM on the road to recovery was so refreshing it brought tears to my eyes. I can't begin to tell you how big a........relief it is to see this dark persona take his final bow. For, I have been my own worst critic, and have succombed to the belief that we are the sum of our experience. But this view is so limited in scope to be almost laughable. Yet it is nothing to laugh at. Because this recovery is serious business, and I am intent on staying in recovery. Too bad we will never actually be recovered.....but we can stay in recovery, and that my friends is the essence of hope.
Sorry, folks, for the lapse in posts....I've had a hell of a time catching up on school work. But, thankfully my new computer finally got here, and I'm nearly caught up, so I can get back to writing; which I find I really enjoy. huh, who knew?
I taught myself how to do pictures yesterday, thus the pic of me. Technology continually astounds me....keep in mind, that until November, I had never even used a computer, nor seen the internet. Reminds me of the old Virginia Slims commercial: "You've come a long way, baby!!" Well, I'm off to see my friends and family at R2R, so I'll write more later. Till next time......
Excellence is an art won by training and habituation. We do not act rightly because we have virtue or excellence, but rather we have those because we have acted rightly. We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, then, is not an act but a habit.
Wednesday, March 15, 2006
My life is a damned Country Song......
FINALLY!!!! I'm back online after a short, but very painful interlude. My Dill crashed and burned on me on Saturday. Luckily, I had a computer ordered for the past month! Anyways, After much cajoling, begging, threatening, begging and cajoling, I finally recieved my new system last night....at about 2 AM. The guy delivered it from Ann Arbor. He got lost like three times on the way here, and what originally should have taken two to three hours took him about TEN!! He left A2 at 4:30.
So, to make a long story short, I have had NO sleep since Monday and am feeling a bit squirrely. But Soon I wil sleep, as soon as I get out of class. Things are so awry in my life right now, I have trouble gaining my equilibrium sometimes........ Gotta go to class folks. Till next time........
Humility is the ability to see clearly without rose colored glasses...
So, to make a long story short, I have had NO sleep since Monday and am feeling a bit squirrely. But Soon I wil sleep, as soon as I get out of class. Things are so awry in my life right now, I have trouble gaining my equilibrium sometimes........ Gotta go to class folks. Till next time........
Humility is the ability to see clearly without rose colored glasses...
Sunday, March 12, 2006
Prom Night Reflections....
The prom has come and gone and all we are left with are vivid memories of a night that had its laughter (Will's dancing: hilarious!!), its poignancy, and its promise. For the most part, I must admit that I had a good time. What a shock. The food was excellent! We had two speakers for the price of one. They weren't my friend Lizzie, but hey, who is? :) Seriously though, They spoke upon the spiritual principles in NA, and how they apply to us. Very enlightening comments from them both. When Paul spoke on intimacy and freedom, I wondered for a brief moment if he had been reading my blog!! Because he spoke directly to me.
After the speaker meeting, the dance got going. Not a whole lot of dancing though. Ok, I admit, I chickened out of that portion of the evening. Oh, I stuck around. But I didn't dance. Hey, baby steps!
The ladies looked absolutely incredible. Lizzie could have stopped traffic at rush hour with that sexy black dress and red hair! Christine looked like a princess in the beautiful white dress she wore. All I can say is WOW. You go girls!!!
The evening was made a lot easier for me because one very special woman allowed me the priveledge of hanging out with her most of the evening. Though I am dissappointed in my limited conversation skills, I did enjoy her company immensely, and meeting her daughter was also a joy! She was SO cute in that dress! And you, Michelle, looked drop dead gorgeous!!
You know, I've been thinking tonight how it is so easy to pigeon hole someone based upon looks or pre-conceived ideas or misunderstandings. I've been guilty of doing this myself. I'll see someone and right away place them in a category. Not always, but it happens occasionally. I have been reminded this past week through getting to see beyond the perception through these blogs, and theirs; and from listening to them, that to do this is cheating yourself out of what could possibly be a great friendship. This one person in particular is owed an apology, and that I will give in person.
Over all, Prom night has to qualify as a success. Maybe that monster got rocked back on his heels a little tonight. One can hope....after that's what this life is all about....experience, strength and HOPE. Till next time...... and thanks for the memories!
After the speaker meeting, the dance got going. Not a whole lot of dancing though. Ok, I admit, I chickened out of that portion of the evening. Oh, I stuck around. But I didn't dance. Hey, baby steps!
The ladies looked absolutely incredible. Lizzie could have stopped traffic at rush hour with that sexy black dress and red hair! Christine looked like a princess in the beautiful white dress she wore. All I can say is WOW. You go girls!!!
The evening was made a lot easier for me because one very special woman allowed me the priveledge of hanging out with her most of the evening. Though I am dissappointed in my limited conversation skills, I did enjoy her company immensely, and meeting her daughter was also a joy! She was SO cute in that dress! And you, Michelle, looked drop dead gorgeous!!
You know, I've been thinking tonight how it is so easy to pigeon hole someone based upon looks or pre-conceived ideas or misunderstandings. I've been guilty of doing this myself. I'll see someone and right away place them in a category. Not always, but it happens occasionally. I have been reminded this past week through getting to see beyond the perception through these blogs, and theirs; and from listening to them, that to do this is cheating yourself out of what could possibly be a great friendship. This one person in particular is owed an apology, and that I will give in person.
Over all, Prom night has to qualify as a success. Maybe that monster got rocked back on his heels a little tonight. One can hope....after that's what this life is all about....experience, strength and HOPE. Till next time...... and thanks for the memories!
Friday, March 10, 2006
The Confessions of a Social Coward
I must preface this particular blog by stating that what I am about to share goes against every fiber of my being. I've hinted at it in meetings, but this will be the first time I actually reveal the entire thing in public. Oh, don't worry..it's nothing sordid or horrifying, except to me of course......
Hmmmm....where to start? Well, I guess the beginning sounds like a winner, huh? As you may or may not know from reading this, due to the insanity which is my addiction, I spent many years as a guest of the great state of Michigan. In fact out of the past twenty years, I have done about nineteen in prison. My first term was for breaking into a house and auto theft; then an escape added more time, so I did seven years. I got out in 1992 with great intentions! I was going to make it!! Nothing had changed, except the calendar, but I was going to make it. Yeah, right. Within 90 days I was using again and stealing to support my habit. Eleven months after I got out, I was facing a life sentence for breaking into another house and for being an habitual criminal. What I got was 10-22 1/2 year sentence. So--back to prison I went, a hateful, bitter, angry, very, very messed up broken man. I went to maximum security because of a botched escape attempt in the county jail. In 1995, I was in a maximum security prison when I had an altercation with a guard. I slugged him a couple times (BAD, BAD move!!!), and was taken to solitary confinement. After I recieved a new sentence for this, I was moved to a super- maximum prison, in segregation (Solitary), where I spent the next six years. This happened in 1995.
For the first couple of years in solitary, I did absolutely nothing constructive. I read and slept. I didn't do anything. It wasn't until 1998 that I started, slowly, to look at my life. I denied at first that I was the person I was seeing. Why this happened?? I don't know except to say that my higher power allowed me a glimpse at the real Randy, and this glimpse was horrifying. There was no way in hell I was this animal!!! No fuckin' way! I denied it for some time. But I could not escape the reality of who and what I had become any longer.
Finally, I made the decision to take an honest and complete look at myself. What I saw was a bitter, hate filled, immoral animal with no conscience and few redeeming qualities. I can't properly put into words the horror I felt at this realization. I determined to change. So you see that there must have been a higher power at work. He wasn't done. First I had to look at my values and morals. To this point, I had no morals; nor did I value anything or anyone. I was a human animal, fit only to be caged as I was. How to change?? My first decision was to stop lying. I was a dishonest person, and this dishonesty affected every part of my life. I was dishonest to everyone, including myself. So, my first order of business was to be honest as I could be.
So, I started an inventory of my life. I didn't call it that, but that's what it was. I laid bare every facet of my life and every action. It was a long trying and very painful journey through the hell of my existence. Where I could make changes I endeavored to do so. Not without setbacks, and certainly not perfectly. But the man I am today is so completely different from that person in 1998 who first took the steps to sanity.
Ok, that is a sketch of background. I wound up staying in solitary from May of 1995 to June of 2001. Four years after that, I was released from prison. The transition from solitary to population was not that traumatic. It wasn't till I got out that I realized there is a major scar that I have thanks to so much time locked away......
I am scared SHITLESS of crowds! I am scared of rejection in social settings. Have you ever read, "The Scarlett Letter"? When I am in social settings I feel, rightly or not, that I have a humongous C on my forehead ( for CONVICT). Not only that, but I feel awkward with people, especially women. Hell, I get tongue-tied around women. I get squirrelly in the wierdest places. In meetings, if I sit at the corner of a table, I'm ok, but put me in the middle, and my anxiety goes skyrocketing. In church, if I am on the isle, I'm fine, even in a packed church. But to sit in the middle of a pew is to put the nice grey-haired lady in front of me at risk of being hurled on.
I'm making progress, thankfully. It's a little slow for my taste but it is progress. I've yet to actually be on a date or be intimate with a woman (GOD, I can't believe I'm admitting this!!), because other than basic social conversation, I ....... oh shit. I would give my left ### to be able to approach a woman and ask her for a date, or whatever. Yes, I am heteral-sexual, and yes I love women. (And yes, I know what they say, about the first year, dear Lizzie.) But Damnit I get so lonely. Intimacy--not just sex-- but true intimacy is something I fear I will never have. And THAT is my greatest fear. Yeah, I could go out and have sex with someone. But, no. I determined that I will learn to be intimate and I will learn to be social and I will learn to talk in person. This writing is easier for me. Maybe because I can't see you? I don't know. All I know is that I long to kill that monster. I put myself into situations where socializing is necessary...then run like hell! At the Christmas party and dance, I made it till the dance was about to start, then left. I was so.... I felt claustrophopic, even in that big crowd. Valentine's I skipped altogether because I was too much of a coward to ask anyone to go.
Tomorrow our group is having a prom. I have to work. At least for part of it. But you know what? I will be there at least for part of it. I'm going, maybe not in a tux, or even a suit (I really don't own one yet) but I will go as soon as I get out of work. And if I stand in the corner now you know why. I'm not being an asshole, or stuckup, or anything like that. I am just scared. But I'm going. Because I believe that this is a debilitating effect of my disease and I will not allow my disease to control me. If I make a fool of myself, so be it. Oh my God what am I getting myself into?!?!
Well, there you have it-- my confession. They say confession is cathartic. I don't feel too cathartic right now. What I feel is that I MUST be nuts to share these things, knowing people I have come to know will read them. But, I made a commitment to myself when I started this blog: I will open my life and share this journey and I will do it HONESTLY.
That's all folks. Till next time.........
Too often, the value of a moment is not seen till it is past......Enjoy your moments; cherish them; relish them!
P.S.: Lizzie, you'll do GREAT tomorrow!! Just be you; everything else will work out fine.
Hmmmm....where to start? Well, I guess the beginning sounds like a winner, huh? As you may or may not know from reading this, due to the insanity which is my addiction, I spent many years as a guest of the great state of Michigan. In fact out of the past twenty years, I have done about nineteen in prison. My first term was for breaking into a house and auto theft; then an escape added more time, so I did seven years. I got out in 1992 with great intentions! I was going to make it!! Nothing had changed, except the calendar, but I was going to make it. Yeah, right. Within 90 days I was using again and stealing to support my habit. Eleven months after I got out, I was facing a life sentence for breaking into another house and for being an habitual criminal. What I got was 10-22 1/2 year sentence. So--back to prison I went, a hateful, bitter, angry, very, very messed up broken man. I went to maximum security because of a botched escape attempt in the county jail. In 1995, I was in a maximum security prison when I had an altercation with a guard. I slugged him a couple times (BAD, BAD move!!!), and was taken to solitary confinement. After I recieved a new sentence for this, I was moved to a super- maximum prison, in segregation (Solitary), where I spent the next six years. This happened in 1995.
For the first couple of years in solitary, I did absolutely nothing constructive. I read and slept. I didn't do anything. It wasn't until 1998 that I started, slowly, to look at my life. I denied at first that I was the person I was seeing. Why this happened?? I don't know except to say that my higher power allowed me a glimpse at the real Randy, and this glimpse was horrifying. There was no way in hell I was this animal!!! No fuckin' way! I denied it for some time. But I could not escape the reality of who and what I had become any longer.
Finally, I made the decision to take an honest and complete look at myself. What I saw was a bitter, hate filled, immoral animal with no conscience and few redeeming qualities. I can't properly put into words the horror I felt at this realization. I determined to change. So you see that there must have been a higher power at work. He wasn't done. First I had to look at my values and morals. To this point, I had no morals; nor did I value anything or anyone. I was a human animal, fit only to be caged as I was. How to change?? My first decision was to stop lying. I was a dishonest person, and this dishonesty affected every part of my life. I was dishonest to everyone, including myself. So, my first order of business was to be honest as I could be.
So, I started an inventory of my life. I didn't call it that, but that's what it was. I laid bare every facet of my life and every action. It was a long trying and very painful journey through the hell of my existence. Where I could make changes I endeavored to do so. Not without setbacks, and certainly not perfectly. But the man I am today is so completely different from that person in 1998 who first took the steps to sanity.
Ok, that is a sketch of background. I wound up staying in solitary from May of 1995 to June of 2001. Four years after that, I was released from prison. The transition from solitary to population was not that traumatic. It wasn't till I got out that I realized there is a major scar that I have thanks to so much time locked away......
I am scared SHITLESS of crowds! I am scared of rejection in social settings. Have you ever read, "The Scarlett Letter"? When I am in social settings I feel, rightly or not, that I have a humongous C on my forehead ( for CONVICT). Not only that, but I feel awkward with people, especially women. Hell, I get tongue-tied around women. I get squirrelly in the wierdest places. In meetings, if I sit at the corner of a table, I'm ok, but put me in the middle, and my anxiety goes skyrocketing. In church, if I am on the isle, I'm fine, even in a packed church. But to sit in the middle of a pew is to put the nice grey-haired lady in front of me at risk of being hurled on.
I'm making progress, thankfully. It's a little slow for my taste but it is progress. I've yet to actually be on a date or be intimate with a woman (GOD, I can't believe I'm admitting this!!), because other than basic social conversation, I ....... oh shit. I would give my left ### to be able to approach a woman and ask her for a date, or whatever. Yes, I am heteral-sexual, and yes I love women. (And yes, I know what they say, about the first year, dear Lizzie.) But Damnit I get so lonely. Intimacy--not just sex-- but true intimacy is something I fear I will never have. And THAT is my greatest fear. Yeah, I could go out and have sex with someone. But, no. I determined that I will learn to be intimate and I will learn to be social and I will learn to talk in person. This writing is easier for me. Maybe because I can't see you? I don't know. All I know is that I long to kill that monster. I put myself into situations where socializing is necessary...then run like hell! At the Christmas party and dance, I made it till the dance was about to start, then left. I was so.... I felt claustrophopic, even in that big crowd. Valentine's I skipped altogether because I was too much of a coward to ask anyone to go.
Tomorrow our group is having a prom. I have to work. At least for part of it. But you know what? I will be there at least for part of it. I'm going, maybe not in a tux, or even a suit (I really don't own one yet) but I will go as soon as I get out of work. And if I stand in the corner now you know why. I'm not being an asshole, or stuckup, or anything like that. I am just scared. But I'm going. Because I believe that this is a debilitating effect of my disease and I will not allow my disease to control me. If I make a fool of myself, so be it. Oh my God what am I getting myself into?!?!
Well, there you have it-- my confession. They say confession is cathartic. I don't feel too cathartic right now. What I feel is that I MUST be nuts to share these things, knowing people I have come to know will read them. But, I made a commitment to myself when I started this blog: I will open my life and share this journey and I will do it HONESTLY.
That's all folks. Till next time.........
Too often, the value of a moment is not seen till it is past......Enjoy your moments; cherish them; relish them!
P.S.: Lizzie, you'll do GREAT tomorrow!! Just be you; everything else will work out fine.
Experience, Strength and Hope....
Last night I had the priveledge to witness one of our group celebrate her four year birthday. It was truly inspiring. Maybe there is hope for us yet!!! I liked what she said when asked how she did it..
"I didn't; WE did"! Very true, and I thank you for pointing that out, Christina! Congrats!!!
"I didn't; WE did"! Very true, and I thank you for pointing that out, Christina! Congrats!!!
Wednesday, March 08, 2006
Just when I thought it was Safe......Life Happened
I've found over the past few days that I am not cured (how dreadful!). To be perfectly honest, for awhile since I got out of prison, I really started to believe that my addiction was a thing of the past. Nothing could be further from the truth, as I was made painfully aware of this week.It seems that though I am not in "active" addiction, I do still carry the character defects of the addict. One of my main defects has to do with the use of money. I get real manipulative with my money. For example, if I have $100, and know damn well that I have a rent payment due on Saturday, but today, I want to use some of that rent money to play cards (in the hopes i will win, of course), I will do so, telling myself that I have four days to come up with the difference. Well, life doesn't always work as planned does it? Or I will borrow to pay one bill, then borrow from somewhere else to pay that bill, then..... well, you get the picture. I asked myself last night , "what the hell are you doing, you stupid idiot?!?!?" I mean, this is classic Randy addictive behavior! I was stopped short by the thought that this is exactly the road I've traveled so many times in life, just under a slightly different guise. I'll manipulate and connive till I am way too far over my head, then resort to drastic measures, because I can't stand the pressure. This realization scared the hell out of me! I've worked too damned hard to change, to become a better man , to just throw it all away over bad choices, blah, blah, blah....oh shut up. While all this is true, you want the real? The real is that I love living on the edge and push the envelope till it's hanging by a chad! (Ok, Ok, bad metaphor, but you get the point). My addiction loves the excitement of looking over that cliff and wondering if it is REALLY as far down as it looks to be. Man, this whole honest with self thing bites sometimes!!!So, what to do? hmmm..... methinks I have a problem; not with money, per se, for like the drugs, money is just an expression of the addiction. My problem lies in my decision-making process. Instead of reviewing all of the choices my tendancy is to jump at the first seemingly easy choice without regard to consequence until after the fact. This is a problem that affects all areas of my life, not just in money matters. So...... what do I do to teach myself good decision-making? well, I guess that is the purpose of this blog. At least part of the purpose. Perhaps I'll get some feedback that will be helpful.Have you ever stepped into a situation that made you think you were stepping into an episode of theTwilght Zone? This is how it has been for me since being released from prison after twelve and one-half years. I came out with great expectations, and alot of hopes, goals, and dreams. And, don't get me wrong-- I am LOVING my freedom!! I worked extremely hard to get it, and enjoy it tremendously. BUT....... it is a maze to me at times, this free life. And I always seem to run into the wrong warren or path in this maze. But I am learning.... each day is a new learning experience; a new chapter in the journey of my life.Well, gotta go hit a meeting, folks. By the way, thanks to some very special people for your comments!! Todd, I'll fill you in ASAP, my friend. I will blog some more tonight after school.... till next time.....
The taste of the sweet nectar of life is a gift to be cherished, not abused. TASTE, ENJOY, LIVE, LOVE, BE........JUST FOR TODAY!!!!!
Postscript: Today, I was told by my P.O. that I can have my driver's license!! What a relief!! Man, I am SOOOO tired of riding a damned bike! LOL Seriously, I look forward to driving again. It's been awhile! That was the last obstacle in the way of my new job, so all is working out on that front..
The taste of the sweet nectar of life is a gift to be cherished, not abused. TASTE, ENJOY, LIVE, LOVE, BE........JUST FOR TODAY!!!!!
Postscript: Today, I was told by my P.O. that I can have my driver's license!! What a relief!! Man, I am SOOOO tired of riding a damned bike! LOL Seriously, I look forward to driving again. It's been awhile! That was the last obstacle in the way of my new job, so all is working out on that front..
Tuesday, March 07, 2006
Living in the Moment is a Bitch!
Well, I discovered that I am STILL irresponsible as hell, today. What a drag. And here I thought I was so acclimated. DAMN IT!!!! I'm pretty pissed at myself right now. Why does that old Randy (whom I thought I killed inside a prison cell) continue to haunt me?!? Hell, I ain't supposed to be irresponsible!!! HELLO DISEASE! I had you licked........ or so I thought.
What happened? I skipped work today, for no particular reason. Just woke up, decided I wasn't going, and called in sick. What an idiot. Ok, so I did snag this new job I've been going after, and I did make progress on a school project, and I did set up an interview with my P.O. for tomorrow to discuss reinstating my license. But it was still irresponsible.
It is a slap in the nuts to come to the realization that I don't have that part of my life under total control. Fucking character defects! Can't I just take a pill for this damned disease???? Please? I am so discusted with myself right now. Then, I blew off a meeting.... which obviously I need, because now I want nothing more than to escape this battle in my idiot brain.
You know, one thing I am grateful for today is that just for today, I am clean. Don't want to be right now. But I am. And even in my "kicking myself in the head" mode, I am aware that this is a gift of my recovery. It shows me all is not lost...... I gotta go do a post for school. I have till 11:59 EST to post it. Procrastinated till the last minute! What? You thought I had only ONE character defect? Stay tuned!!
By the way, if anyone of note drops by..... thanks for saying HI today. It was appreciated!
Also by the way, I can't figure out the link section yet, so forgive me. Too bad, because I have a couple of great ones to share... anyone care to give a noob pointers, I'm all ears!!
Thanks!!! Till next time......
"In the still, small voice one can often hear the shout of ETERNITY calling him to attention"
What happened? I skipped work today, for no particular reason. Just woke up, decided I wasn't going, and called in sick. What an idiot. Ok, so I did snag this new job I've been going after, and I did make progress on a school project, and I did set up an interview with my P.O. for tomorrow to discuss reinstating my license. But it was still irresponsible.
It is a slap in the nuts to come to the realization that I don't have that part of my life under total control. Fucking character defects! Can't I just take a pill for this damned disease???? Please? I am so discusted with myself right now. Then, I blew off a meeting.... which obviously I need, because now I want nothing more than to escape this battle in my idiot brain.
You know, one thing I am grateful for today is that just for today, I am clean. Don't want to be right now. But I am. And even in my "kicking myself in the head" mode, I am aware that this is a gift of my recovery. It shows me all is not lost...... I gotta go do a post for school. I have till 11:59 EST to post it. Procrastinated till the last minute! What? You thought I had only ONE character defect? Stay tuned!!
By the way, if anyone of note drops by..... thanks for saying HI today. It was appreciated!
Also by the way, I can't figure out the link section yet, so forgive me. Too bad, because I have a couple of great ones to share... anyone care to give a noob pointers, I'm all ears!!
Thanks!!! Till next time......
"In the still, small voice one can often hear the shout of ETERNITY calling him to attention"
Monday, March 06, 2006
Another Day in the Life......
Well, I see it has been almost a month since my first blog. Where does the time go? I can't believe it has been that long. Anyways, here it is the beginning of March. So, what's new? I
am continually amazed at the pace with which I have integrated into society. So amazed, in fact, that my mind has developed a couple of short circuits!
I don't really know how to explain it. Maybe it is familiarity rearing its ugly head, I don't know. You know what they say about familiarity, don't you? It breeds contempt. I don't want to become sofamiliar with my life that I become complacent. And that is exactly what I see happening. It scares me, actually. Because not only do I become complacent in my daily life, but also in my recovery. The fact is I've been thinking I may even be cured!!!! PULEEAASE!!! CURED?!?!? Man, I have so many new problems now that I am clean, sober and free, that I don't even know how to begin fixing them
Look, I haven't been sleeping, becauseI am so worried about money, or friends, or whatever.Even right now, it is 1:45 AM and I have to be in work at 6:30. Sleep? I wish!
Life doesn't get easier with added responsibility. It gets harder. hmmmm....... In prison I always pictured the real world as this utopia of freedom and responsibility and 9 - 5 job and ...... I couldn't picture the crap of life which makes it so difficult. Like, why didn't anyone ever tell me about how difficult it is to live within a small budget? Or, why didn't they explain to methat though my intentions were, and are, good, intentions will only open the door to opportunity. they won't teach me HOW to live in society. I live by the art of trial and error. Sometimes I make a faux paux, but then, I expect to. This life is still new to me. Wierd, seeing these words. It makes me feel like an explorer in a strange new land!
For example, my social skills are limited. I never learned how to be a social animal. In my addiction, I was extremely anti-social. Still, I find it so difficult to engage in conversation, even though I am very interested in meeting and getting to know people. It is a strange mic of emotions I feel in social situations. Trepidation, fear, longing to belong, hope..... all come into play. Anger, frustration, hopelessness.... these too come into play. I fight the self-doubt every waking hour.
My biggest fear is of being alone for the rest of my life. Because I get toungue tied around women! I love talking to them, and yet, get so school-boyish when the chance arises, I fear I come off as an idiot. For example, there is this one particular woman.... she is in my home group, actually. Smart, funny, real, beautiful.... I would like nothing more than the opportunity to get to know her better. But when I am in her presence, I clam up like a school boy!
Well, that's my problem i guess. I doubt anyone ever reads this anyways. But I will keep writing if for no other reason than it is therapeutic. Till next time!!!
am continually amazed at the pace with which I have integrated into society. So amazed, in fact, that my mind has developed a couple of short circuits!
I don't really know how to explain it. Maybe it is familiarity rearing its ugly head, I don't know. You know what they say about familiarity, don't you? It breeds contempt. I don't want to become sofamiliar with my life that I become complacent. And that is exactly what I see happening. It scares me, actually. Because not only do I become complacent in my daily life, but also in my recovery. The fact is I've been thinking I may even be cured!!!! PULEEAASE!!! CURED?!?!? Man, I have so many new problems now that I am clean, sober and free, that I don't even know how to begin fixing them
Look, I haven't been sleeping, becauseI am so worried about money, or friends, or whatever.Even right now, it is 1:45 AM and I have to be in work at 6:30. Sleep? I wish!
Life doesn't get easier with added responsibility. It gets harder. hmmmm....... In prison I always pictured the real world as this utopia of freedom and responsibility and 9 - 5 job and ...... I couldn't picture the crap of life which makes it so difficult. Like, why didn't anyone ever tell me about how difficult it is to live within a small budget? Or, why didn't they explain to methat though my intentions were, and are, good, intentions will only open the door to opportunity. they won't teach me HOW to live in society. I live by the art of trial and error. Sometimes I make a faux paux, but then, I expect to. This life is still new to me. Wierd, seeing these words. It makes me feel like an explorer in a strange new land!
For example, my social skills are limited. I never learned how to be a social animal. In my addiction, I was extremely anti-social. Still, I find it so difficult to engage in conversation, even though I am very interested in meeting and getting to know people. It is a strange mic of emotions I feel in social situations. Trepidation, fear, longing to belong, hope..... all come into play. Anger, frustration, hopelessness.... these too come into play. I fight the self-doubt every waking hour.
My biggest fear is of being alone for the rest of my life. Because I get toungue tied around women! I love talking to them, and yet, get so school-boyish when the chance arises, I fear I come off as an idiot. For example, there is this one particular woman.... she is in my home group, actually. Smart, funny, real, beautiful.... I would like nothing more than the opportunity to get to know her better. But when I am in her presence, I clam up like a school boy!
Well, that's my problem i guess. I doubt anyone ever reads this anyways. But I will keep writing if for no other reason than it is therapeutic. Till next time!!!
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