It has been nearly a month since i've written anything here. My apologies to anyone who gives a damn. The past few weeks have been an illuminating series of twists and turns for me. I am finding as I journey further into this life of freedom that I am not immune to the royal fuck up, nor am I so ignorant to not see my mistakes for what they are.
Most of my mistakes have taken a monetary toll...I have discovered that I was ill equipped for the rigors of societal budgeting and living within my means. I had no clue of the value (or lack thereof) of the dollar. All of my life I have been an immediate gratification, spend now-suffer later type of person. I am finding that part ofmy choice to change from the animal I once was must encompass change in ALL areas of my life. To admit I have character defects....AND that these defects of character are active--it has been difficult to accept. But they are what they are. If I am to be honest then I must not only admit my faults, but work to improve myself in this area of my life. So, I am taking steps to correct myself, and to become better at budgeting and using my money.
Another area of my life I am learning to maneuver around pitfalls is relationships with women. I had one for a short time, but for various reasons it didn't work out. I am finding that my.....shyness, for want of a better word, is a barrier to possible relationships. I get tongue-tied!! Writing, I am comfortable...but face to face encounters, I get flustered, like a little school boy. Which in turn pisses me off, and I end up berating myself for awhile. For example, there is one incredible, beautiful, fascinating woman whom I would absolutely love to explore a relationship beyond friendship with. But when I am around her, I can't talk!! So I am left with desires and unexpressed emotions and an unsettling discontent with myself.
On a more positive note, I did get my driver's license and a truck...the freedom of being able to ...GO....has been exhilarating! And I celebrated six months clean time recently. Which is the longest I've ever gone out here in the free world.
I have gained an inexhaustive amount of experience, friendships, laughter, sadness, joys, pain, memories....expectaions...that i carry with me each waking moment. This life is not so bad after all, even with the crap of life thrown in. Learning to negotiate the pitfalls is a daily, often momentary, challenge. But as I am continually learning....LIFE HAPPENS,whether we want it to or not.
Sunday, May 21, 2006
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