NEW BEGINNINGS

Wow!! It has been so long since I've last written... where to begin? Well, rather than rehash what has been an eventful, mostly crappy year, how about I begin with just for today? Because something I've been thinking about all day is that this IS a new day. I AM clean today. I don't HAVE to be miserable today. I CAN live today. We as addicts are so good at self-destruction aren't we? It is humbling to realize that because of grace we are still here. I'm finding that drug addiction and alcoholism are indeed diseases that we in our insanity embrace. I certainly wouldn't embrace cancer or a heart disease would I? But addiction is embraced with fervor! Now that is insanity.

Last night I attended what is perhaps one of the best meeting I've ever attended. It was Christmas, of course. And the topic was selflessness, which quickly morphed into gratitude. The thing that struck me was that these two are so entwined. I really can not be selfless if I am not grateful. I learned a lot last night. I heard a lot of pain, and shared some of mine also..some very deep and personal pain. It was a catharsis of sorts. I also heard a lot of HOPE and JOY in the fact that we are clean and we are not being insane. One addict said that when it is the most uncomfortable, we gain the most growth. Man, pain sucks!! I for one want to just escape mine. And my history is attempting to do just that (one of the reasons I haven't writen here for so long). I can not escape myself, no matter how hard I try or how far I run. The man in the mirror still looks back at me. Perhaps in the coming days I'll learn to love him again. Today..just for today I'll settle for liking him, and for being grateful. Merry Christmas, and God bless!!!

Coming Home

It has been over a year (!) since I've last written here....so much has happened that I don't know where to begin. Long and short story: I started using again, and found myself in some hot water with the authorities. Thanks to a drunken fight with my girlfriend, I ended up as a guest of the state for five months.
So, here I am, trying to pick up the pieces of a shattered life once again. It is SOOO difficult..but I am determined to succeed, no matter what. I'm fighting some serious self-esteem issues right now; and I'm still in a pickle relationship-wise. I have no job, though I've been looking very hard. My past is haunting me in my job search. Something will come up, though. I just have to be patient. It's so easy to say, "screw it", and throw in the towel. But the consequences aren't worth it, frankly.
I plan to continue this blog once again. I'll write again soon. Till next time....