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Random Thoughts

Here I am on a dreary Sunday afternoon thinking of tommorrows. You know, as I reflect upon the past few months, one thing continues to resonate: I have squandered the better part of the last year. I can't even begin to describe the hopelessness, the pain of my existence lately. This misery has caused me to turn to contemplations of God, eternity...and my place in this world. A lot of this has to do with my trouble with reconciling myself to the 2nd Step of NA: Turning my will over to the care of God as I understand Him.
Frankly, until now, I have not done this. In truth I've lived quite a selfish existence. Call it pride, conceit...whatever label you want to place on it, the fact remains that I have not turned my will and life over to the care of God. And where has this negligence gotten me? Sucking the fumes of a life of worthless pursuits. I am sick and tired of living like this. And it is time for a change. It is for this reason that I have dedicated myself to God. It is the only way that I can begin to live. For I am tired of aimlessly wandering through life.
Maybe you are thinking this is a drastic undertaking. Perhaps you wonder if I'm sincere or just blowing smoke. We each must look at the person staring back at us in the mirror. Who am I? What is my purpose? these are questions I want to be able to answer. So today, I have decided to seek His will for my life and to DO it.
Part of this includes giving up a relationship that has in truth been corrosive to both of us. I love her. But, we can't be together. We are both addicts, and she has no desire to quit. I thought her love for me would cause her to seek sobriety but no...
I have to learn to love myself and my God. I must learn to live in this world as a free man. It has been a difficult journey. But I'm not looking for easy. I am looking for meaning; for significance; for hope and joy and happiness. My tommorrows now have an element that has been missing in my life: HOPE.
And with this thought I'll end this short missive. Until next time

NEW BEGINNINGS

Wow!! It has been so long since I've last written... where to begin? Well, rather than rehash what has been an eventful, mostly crappy year, how about I begin with just for today? Because something I've been thinking about all day is that this IS a new day. I AM clean today. I don't HAVE to be miserable today. I CAN live today. We as addicts are so good at self-destruction aren't we? It is humbling to realize that because of grace we are still here. I'm finding that drug addiction and alcoholism are indeed diseases that we in our insanity embrace. I certainly wouldn't embrace cancer or a heart disease would I? But addiction is embraced with fervor! Now that is insanity.

Last night I attended what is perhaps one of the best meeting I've ever attended. It was Christmas, of course. And the topic was selflessness, which quickly morphed into gratitude. The thing that struck me was that these two are so entwined. I really can not be selfless if I am not grateful. I learned a lot last night. I heard a lot of pain, and shared some of mine also..some very deep and personal pain. It was a catharsis of sorts. I also heard a lot of HOPE and JOY in the fact that we are clean and we are not being insane. One addict said that when it is the most uncomfortable, we gain the most growth. Man, pain sucks!! I for one want to just escape mine. And my history is attempting to do just that (one of the reasons I haven't writen here for so long). I can not escape myself, no matter how hard I try or how far I run. The man in the mirror still looks back at me. Perhaps in the coming days I'll learn to love him again. Today..just for today I'll settle for liking him, and for being grateful. Merry Christmas, and God bless!!!

Coming Home

It has been over a year (!) since I've last written here....so much has happened that I don't know where to begin. Long and short story: I started using again, and found myself in some hot water with the authorities. Thanks to a drunken fight with my girlfriend, I ended up as a guest of the state for five months.
So, here I am, trying to pick up the pieces of a shattered life once again. It is SOOO difficult..but I am determined to succeed, no matter what. I'm fighting some serious self-esteem issues right now; and I'm still in a pickle relationship-wise. I have no job, though I've been looking very hard. My past is haunting me in my job search. Something will come up, though. I just have to be patient. It's so easy to say, "screw it", and throw in the towel. But the consequences aren't worth it, frankly.
I plan to continue this blog once again. I'll write again soon. Till next time....

Blessings vs Curses...

The last two days have been a roller coaster ride which doesn't stop...as I sit here waiting for my business partner to contact me, my mind swirls with thoughts I haven't had in quite some time. I am so frustrated, angry, scared, etc., etc..... I haven't been paid yet, which is a soap opera in itself; my landlord is threatening to boot me; I owe bills up the ying yang, which could be paid in full if I can get what's owed me. I question my decision, yet know it was the right thing to do: screwy huh?

So I've been sitting here thinking about blessings and curses, because these thoughts scare the shit out of me. I am blessed to be free. I am blessed to be clean today. I am blessed to be healthy. I am blessed to have friends-true friends, who accept me. I am blessed to have a roof over my head, just for today (maybe literally). I am blessed with parents who forgive. I am blessed with the privelege of life on life's terms. I am blessed to FEEL, though these feelings hurt so bad. I am blessed to blog (!), for it allows me an outlet, though I don't write nearly enough. I am blessed to know people who inspire me, and to call them "Friend". I am blessed (blushing now) to have feelings for someone other than friendship ( there is a curse that goes with this one). I am blessed to have seen the Boss in person! Awesome! I am blessed to experience empathy. I am blessed to know right from wrong. I am blessed with the ability to think ( most of the time). I AM BLESSED with a higher power who forgives me, though I can't forgive myself. I am blesed with the memory of who I was, and the reality of who I am. I am blessed to have so many blessings. I am truly blessed.

I am cursed with a past of my own making. I am cursed with the inability to express my feelings for others properly. I am cursed with the ever present shame of who I was. I am cursed with the knowledge I can't take back the hurt I caused people in my addiction. I am cursed to want a drink or some dope SOO bad today to deaden everything if just for awhile (though I am blessed with the ability to say no). I am cursed with a history of bad decisions leading to a garbage heap of a life, until recently. I am cursed to realize my inadequecies.

Blessings and curses....the wheels of life....good thing the blessings outweigh the curses! Thanks for listening...

In Memorium...

As we go about our day, may you all take a moment to remember and appreciate the fallen soldiers who gave their lives defending and fighting for our nation. Though I do not always agree with the reasons for war, I have a healthy respect for those who are on the front lines doing their duty. To all who have served and are serving in the military, Thank you. To the parents of fallen soldiers, I pray that in your grief, you will experience the gratitude of a grateful nation. And to all those opposed to war in general or to the Iraq war in particular, please remember that freedom isn't free. Regardless of our feelings, we owe it to those who serve to honor them. So this post is my small way to say,
"Thank you for serving. " Peace!!

Discoveries, Victories, Defeats.....Life happens

It has been nearly a month since i've written anything here. My apologies to anyone who gives a damn. The past few weeks have been an illuminating series of twists and turns for me. I am finding as I journey further into this life of freedom that I am not immune to the royal fuck up, nor am I so ignorant to not see my mistakes for what they are.

Most of my mistakes have taken a monetary toll...I have discovered that I was ill equipped for the rigors of societal budgeting and living within my means. I had no clue of the value (or lack thereof) of the dollar. All of my life I have been an immediate gratification, spend now-suffer later type of person. I am finding that part ofmy choice to change from the animal I once was must encompass change in ALL areas of my life. To admit I have character defects....AND that these defects of character are active--it has been difficult to accept. But they are what they are. If I am to be honest then I must not only admit my faults, but work to improve myself in this area of my life. So, I am taking steps to correct myself, and to become better at budgeting and using my money.

Another area of my life I am learning to maneuver around pitfalls is relationships with women. I had one for a short time, but for various reasons it didn't work out. I am finding that my.....shyness, for want of a better word, is a barrier to possible relationships. I get tongue-tied!! Writing, I am comfortable...but face to face encounters, I get flustered, like a little school boy. Which in turn pisses me off, and I end up berating myself for awhile. For example, there is one incredible, beautiful, fascinating woman whom I would absolutely love to explore a relationship beyond friendship with. But when I am around her, I can't talk!! So I am left with desires and unexpressed emotions and an unsettling discontent with myself.

On a more positive note, I did get my driver's license and a truck...the freedom of being able to ...GO....has been exhilarating! And I celebrated six months clean time recently. Which is the longest I've ever gone out here in the free world.

I have gained an inexhaustive amount of experience, friendships, laughter, sadness, joys, pain, memories....expectaions...that i carry with me each waking moment. This life is not so bad after all, even with the crap of life thrown in. Learning to negotiate the pitfalls is a daily, often momentary, challenge. But as I am continually learning....LIFE HAPPENS,whether we want it to or not.