The Confessions of a Social Coward

I must preface this particular blog by stating that what I am about to share goes against every fiber of my being. I've hinted at it in meetings, but this will be the first time I actually reveal the entire thing in public. Oh, don't worry..it's nothing sordid or horrifying, except to me of course......
Hmmmm....where to start? Well, I guess the beginning sounds like a winner, huh? As you may or may not know from reading this, due to the insanity which is my addiction, I spent many years as a guest of the great state of Michigan. In fact out of the past twenty years, I have done about nineteen in prison. My first term was for breaking into a house and auto theft; then an escape added more time, so I did seven years. I got out in 1992 with great intentions! I was going to make it!! Nothing had changed, except the calendar, but I was going to make it. Yeah, right. Within 90 days I was using again and stealing to support my habit. Eleven months after I got out, I was facing a life sentence for breaking into another house and for being an habitual criminal. What I got was 10-22 1/2 year sentence. So--back to prison I went, a hateful, bitter, angry, very, very messed up broken man. I went to maximum security because of a botched escape attempt in the county jail. In 1995, I was in a maximum security prison when I had an altercation with a guard. I slugged him a couple times (BAD, BAD move!!!), and was taken to solitary confinement. After I recieved a new sentence for this, I was moved to a super- maximum prison, in segregation (Solitary), where I spent the next six years. This happened in 1995.
For the first couple of years in solitary, I did absolutely nothing constructive. I read and slept. I didn't do anything. It wasn't until 1998 that I started, slowly, to look at my life. I denied at first that I was the person I was seeing. Why this happened?? I don't know except to say that my higher power allowed me a glimpse at the real Randy, and this glimpse was horrifying. There was no way in hell I was this animal!!! No fuckin' way! I denied it for some time. But I could not escape the reality of who and what I had become any longer.
Finally, I made the decision to take an honest and complete look at myself. What I saw was a bitter, hate filled, immoral animal with no conscience and few redeeming qualities. I can't properly put into words the horror I felt at this realization. I determined to change. So you see that there must have been a higher power at work. He wasn't done. First I had to look at my values and morals. To this point, I had no morals; nor did I value anything or anyone. I was a human animal, fit only to be caged as I was. How to change?? My first decision was to stop lying. I was a dishonest person, and this dishonesty affected every part of my life. I was dishonest to everyone, including myself. So, my first order of business was to be honest as I could be.
So, I started an inventory of my life. I didn't call it that, but that's what it was. I laid bare every facet of my life and every action. It was a long trying and very painful journey through the hell of my existence. Where I could make changes I endeavored to do so. Not without setbacks, and certainly not perfectly. But the man I am today is so completely different from that person in 1998 who first took the steps to sanity.
Ok, that is a sketch of background. I wound up staying in solitary from May of 1995 to June of 2001. Four years after that, I was released from prison. The transition from solitary to population was not that traumatic. It wasn't till I got out that I realized there is a major scar that I have thanks to so much time locked away......
I am scared SHITLESS of crowds! I am scared of rejection in social settings. Have you ever read, "The Scarlett Letter"? When I am in social settings I feel, rightly or not, that I have a humongous C on my forehead ( for CONVICT). Not only that, but I feel awkward with people, especially women. Hell, I get tongue-tied around women. I get squirrelly in the wierdest places. In meetings, if I sit at the corner of a table, I'm ok, but put me in the middle, and my anxiety goes skyrocketing. In church, if I am on the isle, I'm fine, even in a packed church. But to sit in the middle of a pew is to put the nice grey-haired lady in front of me at risk of being hurled on.
I'm making progress, thankfully. It's a little slow for my taste but it is progress. I've yet to actually be on a date or be intimate with a woman (GOD, I can't believe I'm admitting this!!), because other than basic social conversation, I ....... oh shit. I would give my left ### to be able to approach a woman and ask her for a date, or whatever. Yes, I am heteral-sexual, and yes I love women. (And yes, I know what they say, about the first year, dear Lizzie.) But Damnit I get so lonely. Intimacy--not just sex-- but true intimacy is something I fear I will never have. And THAT is my greatest fear. Yeah, I could go out and have sex with someone. But, no. I determined that I will learn to be intimate and I will learn to be social and I will learn to talk in person. This writing is easier for me. Maybe because I can't see you? I don't know. All I know is that I long to kill that monster. I put myself into situations where socializing is necessary...then run like hell! At the Christmas party and dance, I made it till the dance was about to start, then left. I was so.... I felt claustrophopic, even in that big crowd. Valentine's I skipped altogether because I was too much of a coward to ask anyone to go.
Tomorrow our group is having a prom. I have to work. At least for part of it. But you know what? I will be there at least for part of it. I'm going, maybe not in a tux, or even a suit (I really don't own one yet) but I will go as soon as I get out of work. And if I stand in the corner now you know why. I'm not being an asshole, or stuckup, or anything like that. I am just scared. But I'm going. Because I believe that this is a debilitating effect of my disease and I will not allow my disease to control me. If I make a fool of myself, so be it. Oh my God what am I getting myself into?!?!
Well, there you have it-- my confession. They say confession is cathartic. I don't feel too cathartic right now. What I feel is that I MUST be nuts to share these things, knowing people I have come to know will read them. But, I made a commitment to myself when I started this blog: I will open my life and share this journey and I will do it HONESTLY.
That's all folks. Till next time.........

Too often, the value of a moment is not seen till it is past......Enjoy your moments; cherish them; relish them!

P.S.: Lizzie, you'll do GREAT tomorrow!! Just be you; everything else will work out fine.

Experience, Strength and Hope....

Last night I had the priveledge to witness one of our group celebrate her four year birthday. It was truly inspiring. Maybe there is hope for us yet!!! I liked what she said when asked how she did it..
"I didn't; WE did"! Very true, and I thank you for pointing that out, Christina! Congrats!!!

Just when I thought it was Safe......Life Happened

I've found over the past few days that I am not cured (how dreadful!). To be perfectly honest, for awhile since I got out of prison, I really started to believe that my addiction was a thing of the past. Nothing could be further from the truth, as I was made painfully aware of this week.It seems that though I am not in "active" addiction, I do still carry the character defects of the addict. One of my main defects has to do with the use of money. I get real manipulative with my money. For example, if I have $100, and know damn well that I have a rent payment due on Saturday, but today, I want to use some of that rent money to play cards (in the hopes i will win, of course), I will do so, telling myself that I have four days to come up with the difference. Well, life doesn't always work as planned does it? Or I will borrow to pay one bill, then borrow from somewhere else to pay that bill, then..... well, you get the picture. I asked myself last night , "what the hell are you doing, you stupid idiot?!?!?" I mean, this is classic Randy addictive behavior! I was stopped short by the thought that this is exactly the road I've traveled so many times in life, just under a slightly different guise. I'll manipulate and connive till I am way too far over my head, then resort to drastic measures, because I can't stand the pressure. This realization scared the hell out of me! I've worked too damned hard to change, to become a better man , to just throw it all away over bad choices, blah, blah, blah....oh shut up. While all this is true, you want the real? The real is that I love living on the edge and push the envelope till it's hanging by a chad! (Ok, Ok, bad metaphor, but you get the point). My addiction loves the excitement of looking over that cliff and wondering if it is REALLY as far down as it looks to be. Man, this whole honest with self thing bites sometimes!!!So, what to do? hmmm..... methinks I have a problem; not with money, per se, for like the drugs, money is just an expression of the addiction. My problem lies in my decision-making process. Instead of reviewing all of the choices my tendancy is to jump at the first seemingly easy choice without regard to consequence until after the fact. This is a problem that affects all areas of my life, not just in money matters. So...... what do I do to teach myself good decision-making? well, I guess that is the purpose of this blog. At least part of the purpose. Perhaps I'll get some feedback that will be helpful.Have you ever stepped into a situation that made you think you were stepping into an episode of theTwilght Zone? This is how it has been for me since being released from prison after twelve and one-half years. I came out with great expectations, and alot of hopes, goals, and dreams. And, don't get me wrong-- I am LOVING my freedom!! I worked extremely hard to get it, and enjoy it tremendously. BUT....... it is a maze to me at times, this free life. And I always seem to run into the wrong warren or path in this maze. But I am learning.... each day is a new learning experience; a new chapter in the journey of my life.Well, gotta go hit a meeting, folks. By the way, thanks to some very special people for your comments!! Todd, I'll fill you in ASAP, my friend. I will blog some more tonight after school.... till next time.....
The taste of the sweet nectar of life is a gift to be cherished, not abused. TASTE, ENJOY, LIVE, LOVE, BE........JUST FOR TODAY!!!!!

Postscript: Today, I was told by my P.O. that I can have my driver's license!! What a relief!! Man, I am SOOOO tired of riding a damned bike! LOL Seriously, I look forward to driving again. It's been awhile! That was the last obstacle in the way of my new job, so all is working out on that front..

Living in the Moment is a Bitch!

Well, I discovered that I am STILL irresponsible as hell, today. What a drag. And here I thought I was so acclimated. DAMN IT!!!! I'm pretty pissed at myself right now. Why does that old Randy (whom I thought I killed inside a prison cell) continue to haunt me?!? Hell, I ain't supposed to be irresponsible!!! HELLO DISEASE! I had you licked........ or so I thought.

What happened? I skipped work today, for no particular reason. Just woke up, decided I wasn't going, and called in sick. What an idiot. Ok, so I did snag this new job I've been going after, and I did make progress on a school project, and I did set up an interview with my P.O. for tomorrow to discuss reinstating my license. But it was still irresponsible.

It is a slap in the nuts to come to the realization that I don't have that part of my life under total control. Fucking character defects! Can't I just take a pill for this damned disease???? Please? I am so discusted with myself right now. Then, I blew off a meeting.... which obviously I need, because now I want nothing more than to escape this battle in my idiot brain.

You know, one thing I am grateful for today is that just for today, I am clean. Don't want to be right now. But I am. And even in my "kicking myself in the head" mode, I am aware that this is a gift of my recovery. It shows me all is not lost...... I gotta go do a post for school. I have till 11:59 EST to post it. Procrastinated till the last minute! What? You thought I had only ONE character defect? Stay tuned!!

By the way, if anyone of note drops by..... thanks for saying HI today. It was appreciated!

Also by the way, I can't figure out the link section yet, so forgive me. Too bad, because I have a couple of great ones to share... anyone care to give a noob pointers, I'm all ears!!

Thanks!!! Till next time......

"In the still, small voice one can often hear the shout of ETERNITY calling him to attention"

Another Day in the Life......

Well, I see it has been almost a month since my first blog. Where does the time go? I can't believe it has been that long. Anyways, here it is the beginning of March. So, what's new? I
am continually amazed at the pace with which I have integrated into society. So amazed, in fact, that my mind has developed a couple of short circuits!
I don't really know how to explain it. Maybe it is familiarity rearing its ugly head, I don't know. You know what they say about familiarity, don't you? It breeds contempt. I don't want to become sofamiliar with my life that I become complacent. And that is exactly what I see happening. It scares me, actually. Because not only do I become complacent in my daily life, but also in my recovery. The fact is I've been thinking I may even be cured!!!! PULEEAASE!!! CURED?!?!? Man, I have so many new problems now that I am clean, sober and free, that I don't even know how to begin fixing them
Look, I haven't been sleeping, becauseI am so worried about money, or friends, or whatever.Even right now, it is 1:45 AM and I have to be in work at 6:30. Sleep? I wish!

Life doesn't get easier with added responsibility. It gets harder. hmmmm....... In prison I always pictured the real world as this utopia of freedom and responsibility and 9 - 5 job and ...... I couldn't picture the crap of life which makes it so difficult. Like, why didn't anyone ever tell me about how difficult it is to live within a small budget? Or, why didn't they explain to methat though my intentions were, and are, good, intentions will only open the door to opportunity. they won't teach me HOW to live in society. I live by the art of trial and error. Sometimes I make a faux paux, but then, I expect to. This life is still new to me. Wierd, seeing these words. It makes me feel like an explorer in a strange new land!

For example, my social skills are limited. I never learned how to be a social animal. In my addiction, I was extremely anti-social. Still, I find it so difficult to engage in conversation, even though I am very interested in meeting and getting to know people. It is a strange mic of emotions I feel in social situations. Trepidation, fear, longing to belong, hope..... all come into play. Anger, frustration, hopelessness.... these too come into play. I fight the self-doubt every waking hour.

My biggest fear is of being alone for the rest of my life. Because I get toungue tied around women! I love talking to them, and yet, get so school-boyish when the chance arises, I fear I come off as an idiot. For example, there is this one particular woman.... she is in my home group, actually. Smart, funny, real, beautiful.... I would like nothing more than the opportunity to get to know her better. But when I am in her presence, I clam up like a school boy!

Well, that's my problem i guess. I doubt anyone ever reads this anyways. But I will keep writing if for no other reason than it is therapeutic. Till next time!!!

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