Random Thoughts

Here I am on a dreary Sunday afternoon thinking of tommorrows. You know, as I reflect upon the past few months, one thing continues to resonate: I have squandered the better part of the last year. I can't even begin to describe the hopelessness, the pain of my existence lately. This misery has caused me to turn to contemplations of God, eternity...and my place in this world. A lot of this has to do with my trouble with reconciling myself to the 2nd Step of NA: Turning my will over to the care of God as I understand Him.
Frankly, until now, I have not done this. In truth I've lived quite a selfish existence. Call it pride, conceit...whatever label you want to place on it, the fact remains that I have not turned my will and life over to the care of God. And where has this negligence gotten me? Sucking the fumes of a life of worthless pursuits. I am sick and tired of living like this. And it is time for a change. It is for this reason that I have dedicated myself to God. It is the only way that I can begin to live. For I am tired of aimlessly wandering through life.
Maybe you are thinking this is a drastic undertaking. Perhaps you wonder if I'm sincere or just blowing smoke. We each must look at the person staring back at us in the mirror. Who am I? What is my purpose? these are questions I want to be able to answer. So today, I have decided to seek His will for my life and to DO it.
Part of this includes giving up a relationship that has in truth been corrosive to both of us. I love her. But, we can't be together. We are both addicts, and she has no desire to quit. I thought her love for me would cause her to seek sobriety but no...
I have to learn to love myself and my God. I must learn to live in this world as a free man. It has been a difficult journey. But I'm not looking for easy. I am looking for meaning; for significance; for hope and joy and happiness. My tommorrows now have an element that has been missing in my life: HOPE.
And with this thought I'll end this short missive. Until next time