Just when I thought it was Safe......Life Happened

I've found over the past few days that I am not cured (how dreadful!). To be perfectly honest, for awhile since I got out of prison, I really started to believe that my addiction was a thing of the past. Nothing could be further from the truth, as I was made painfully aware of this week.It seems that though I am not in "active" addiction, I do still carry the character defects of the addict. One of my main defects has to do with the use of money. I get real manipulative with my money. For example, if I have $100, and know damn well that I have a rent payment due on Saturday, but today, I want to use some of that rent money to play cards (in the hopes i will win, of course), I will do so, telling myself that I have four days to come up with the difference. Well, life doesn't always work as planned does it? Or I will borrow to pay one bill, then borrow from somewhere else to pay that bill, then..... well, you get the picture. I asked myself last night , "what the hell are you doing, you stupid idiot?!?!?" I mean, this is classic Randy addictive behavior! I was stopped short by the thought that this is exactly the road I've traveled so many times in life, just under a slightly different guise. I'll manipulate and connive till I am way too far over my head, then resort to drastic measures, because I can't stand the pressure. This realization scared the hell out of me! I've worked too damned hard to change, to become a better man , to just throw it all away over bad choices, blah, blah, blah....oh shut up. While all this is true, you want the real? The real is that I love living on the edge and push the envelope till it's hanging by a chad! (Ok, Ok, bad metaphor, but you get the point). My addiction loves the excitement of looking over that cliff and wondering if it is REALLY as far down as it looks to be. Man, this whole honest with self thing bites sometimes!!!So, what to do? hmmm..... methinks I have a problem; not with money, per se, for like the drugs, money is just an expression of the addiction. My problem lies in my decision-making process. Instead of reviewing all of the choices my tendancy is to jump at the first seemingly easy choice without regard to consequence until after the fact. This is a problem that affects all areas of my life, not just in money matters. So...... what do I do to teach myself good decision-making? well, I guess that is the purpose of this blog. At least part of the purpose. Perhaps I'll get some feedback that will be helpful.Have you ever stepped into a situation that made you think you were stepping into an episode of theTwilght Zone? This is how it has been for me since being released from prison after twelve and one-half years. I came out with great expectations, and alot of hopes, goals, and dreams. And, don't get me wrong-- I am LOVING my freedom!! I worked extremely hard to get it, and enjoy it tremendously. BUT....... it is a maze to me at times, this free life. And I always seem to run into the wrong warren or path in this maze. But I am learning.... each day is a new learning experience; a new chapter in the journey of my life.Well, gotta go hit a meeting, folks. By the way, thanks to some very special people for your comments!! Todd, I'll fill you in ASAP, my friend. I will blog some more tonight after school.... till next time.....
The taste of the sweet nectar of life is a gift to be cherished, not abused. TASTE, ENJOY, LIVE, LOVE, BE........JUST FOR TODAY!!!!!

Postscript: Today, I was told by my P.O. that I can have my driver's license!! What a relief!! Man, I am SOOOO tired of riding a damned bike! LOL Seriously, I look forward to driving again. It's been awhile! That was the last obstacle in the way of my new job, so all is working out on that front..