In the passage of time one seldom discovers moments that stand out in memeory as defining moments in this journey of life. It is a fortunate occasion when one does realize one of these precious moments. One such moment occurred for me this week, and with it came the demise of something I have held dear for most of my life.
The other day I was at a meeting and this guy said something that struck me so hard that I have been rocked by the reality of it. He said, "If we had the same view of ourselves as God does, we would have forgiven ourselves long ago." Our vision is so impaired that we can't see the forest through the trees at times. But there is that occasional glimmer of reality that drives us ever onward in our quest to discover our true selves.
I can't see the person I am with God-given clarity; I wish that I could! Perhaps I would give myself a break. One thing I was able to see upon reflection was the death of a persona that has haunted me all of my life....the," You ain't shit so don't even try,you worthless piece of shit" persona that has been my cross to bear as long as I can remember.
The sudden realization that I AM on the road to recovery was so refreshing it brought tears to my eyes. I can't begin to tell you how big a........relief it is to see this dark persona take his final bow. For, I have been my own worst critic, and have succombed to the belief that we are the sum of our experience. But this view is so limited in scope to be almost laughable. Yet it is nothing to laugh at. Because this recovery is serious business, and I am intent on staying in recovery. Too bad we will never actually be recovered.....but we can stay in recovery, and that my friends is the essence of hope.
The other day I was at a meeting and this guy said something that struck me so hard that I have been rocked by the reality of it. He said, "If we had the same view of ourselves as God does, we would have forgiven ourselves long ago." Our vision is so impaired that we can't see the forest through the trees at times. But there is that occasional glimmer of reality that drives us ever onward in our quest to discover our true selves.
I can't see the person I am with God-given clarity; I wish that I could! Perhaps I would give myself a break. One thing I was able to see upon reflection was the death of a persona that has haunted me all of my life....the," You ain't shit so don't even try,you worthless piece of shit" persona that has been my cross to bear as long as I can remember.
The sudden realization that I AM on the road to recovery was so refreshing it brought tears to my eyes. I can't begin to tell you how big a........relief it is to see this dark persona take his final bow. For, I have been my own worst critic, and have succombed to the belief that we are the sum of our experience. But this view is so limited in scope to be almost laughable. Yet it is nothing to laugh at. Because this recovery is serious business, and I am intent on staying in recovery. Too bad we will never actually be recovered.....but we can stay in recovery, and that my friends is the essence of hope.
Sorry, folks, for the lapse in posts....I've had a hell of a time catching up on school work. But, thankfully my new computer finally got here, and I'm nearly caught up, so I can get back to writing; which I find I really enjoy. huh, who knew?
I taught myself how to do pictures yesterday, thus the pic of me. Technology continually astounds me....keep in mind, that until November, I had never even used a computer, nor seen the internet. Reminds me of the old Virginia Slims commercial: "You've come a long way, baby!!" Well, I'm off to see my friends and family at R2R, so I'll write more later. Till next time......
Excellence is an art won by training and habituation. We do not act rightly because we have virtue or excellence, but rather we have those because we have acted rightly. We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, then, is not an act but a habit.
4 comments:
That is one of the greatest blog posts I have ever read. I struggle daily with self-hatred and live with an unforgivness that holds me back from living. I think part of my problem is I don't really feel that God is very pleased with me. My fear is seeing myself as God see's me.
But through my own four years of recovery I am again at Step One. Step Two will come and I must trust that my HP will indeed restore me to sanity.
Thank you Barbara! You know, I believe that if we addicts would just give ourselves a break, we could see the truth. And the truth is, you are not hopeless, Barb. Just for today, let your thoughts be on your strengths. What are they? I for one would like to know!!
Another insightful post Randy, I always get such a charge from reading you. You never touched a computer before November?! I'm amazed! Now I know why you were always so intensely ensconced at Herrick. Nice pic by-the-way. The ladies (and men) are going to be beating at your blog doorstep...
-Todd
P.S. I have to tell you of my first impression of you. It was in total contrast to a "worhless piece of" dookie. I knew absolutely nothing about you, and I thought you were good, humble, intelligent and fun. I'm always right!
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