Frustrations and Remonstrances...........

You know, I keep telling myself, "All is well, you're doing great!" So tell me, why do I feel like banging my head against the wall? Well, since I'm practicing rigorous honesty (which gets a bit difficult at times) and this blog is my avenue toward that end, here I go putting my foot deeply into my mouth once again. (open mouth, insert foot)

Have you ever had a desire or need that you know damn well will never be fulfilled? It really sucks doesn't it? And I ask myself, " how can you do this to yourself?" Good question! Hell, I don't know. I guess I'm just a damned fool.

I'm kind of beating around the bush, but be patient, I'll get there. At a meeting recently, we had a very candid discussion about humility. Humility , it is said, is the ability to see yourself clearly, and to accept who are. Maybe I can't see too clearly. Because I am SO frustrated right now, it hurts. And I don't have a clue what to do about it.

All this is about a woman, folks. Yeah, Randy done let himself fall for a woman he has virtually no chance with. She shall remain nameless, although she will probably figure it out; she is, after all, Very smart. As I have gotten to know her (though not nearly as much as I would love to), I've found her to be everything I adore in a woman....funny, stylish, tough, vulnerable, sexy (VERY sexy!!), gorgeous, artistic, reliant, honest, a great mother, ....God broke the mold when He created her.

I aughta delete this entire piece right now. But I'm a fool, I guess so I'll keep going. Look, I know that in recovery, it is best to avoid relationships for awhile. I know, too, that my chances of having a relationship with this woman are virtually nil, because she is way out of my league. And add to this the fact that when I'm around her, I get the freeze--tongue tied and feeling like a little school kid! So, what do I do? I adore from a distance, in my so-called safe zone. Though I think the zone has booted me out into the cold, because I don't think it's working for me in this case. I can't shut off the feelings and I can't stop myself from the way I feel. That's where the frustration kicks in.

So, I sit here and beat myself up over it...the remonstrances. The one thought that keeps returning is, "You are not good enough for her." I know that's the evil Randy trying to kick my ass, but damn, it's working.

Then there is this tiny little voice amid all the clutter that is my brain that keeps softly saying, " Don't sell yourself short!" God, how I would love to give this voice full volume. It's there, but it only whispers. But it is in those whispers that I find what I need most.....hope. Yes, I hope. I dream. I want. I need. I love. I lose. I cry. I yet I hope. And it is this hope: the hope that I am not as bad as my evil mind would like me to believe; that I could have a relationship with this beautiful creature; that I will make something of my life. These are the things that keep me continually striving to better myself; to endure the pains of loneliness, to seek restoration of my SELF. For it is in this whispered voice of hope that I can hear with clarity the bugle call of true freedom. No, my past will never die. It is my past. But I don;t have to allow it to continue it's domination over me. I can hope. And dream.

till next time........


keep hope alive