Crossing the Abyss.....

I sometimes feel I am walking a tightrope, juggling 10 balls , while attempting to cross the abyss. I don't dare lose my concentration, because one misstep, and all will come crashing down. It reminds me of the parable of the two houses. One had a foundation of sand; one, a foundation of cement. When the storms came, the house built on sand was destroyed, while the home with the solid foundation withstood the storms.

I am still trying to figure out which foundation my house is built upon. I think it is a combination. I don't know if I can make it across that abyss. It is so frightening. Yet the hope of stepping onto solid ground on the other side keeps me moving forward.

I will have to make some changes though. Because the way I am handling this pressure is not working right now. I feel like I am taking one step forward, and two steps back. And that abyss is ever before me, calling me with its siren song of rest. There is no rest in the abyss; only misery and an overwhelming hopelessness. See, I've been in that abyss, and have experienced it for many years.

I believe the safest thing for me to do is to get off this damn tightrope, and walk on solid ground. I need to feel the solidity of normalcy rather than the trembling of insanity, if only for a little while. The facade that is presented to the world says, all is well. But the reality is that most of the time I am but a scared, lonely barely functioning addict in recovery who is trying to cross the abyss in one giant leap, and finding to his dismay that it takes a journey of many steps and much time to succeed in crossing the abyss.

This post is not quite what I intended, but sometimes I think it good to just let the thoughts flow. It allows me to not only clarify them, but to share with you where I am at today in this journey.

Discovery, I am finding, is an arduous task. To discover a self that prior to six months ago, never existed, is an amazing, exhausting time-consuming adventure. And do you know something? I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world! No matter how much things may suck, or go wrong, I would not trade this life for anything. Because today, I am free, clean and I am very blessed to be so. What more could a man want? Until next time....

Winston Churchill: The pessimist sees difficulty in every opportunity. The optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty.